Self-Isolating, Self-or Advised Quarantine: Our New Ways of Living and Coping

My partner and I have been sheltering in place for two weeks. It’s been hard on him, being away from his job. He’s also an extrovert and the isolation is hard for him. He’s had to take leave from work because it was a public facing job and his mother (who lives with us) is immune compromised and asthmatic. 

I'm hoping this could be a chance for him to change things up, since he really wanted to leave his job. It was grinding him down physically, and he started taking an online coding class out of the hope of changing jobs, but his job left him too exhausted to study. I’m really hoping some good can come out of the downtime for him. He’s trying to get his company to lay him off so he can get unemployment. 

I’m more introverted and low key, and it isn’t as hard for me; I have just kept writing, doing my art, and  fixing up our home office. the fear of getting the illness, losing loved ones, and or the economy being terrible (being unable to get design clients or sell my art) is what bothers me, but I’ve been able to calm down and just get on with the new routines. The first week was really hard for me but I seem to have tapped into some kind of survival mode.

but neither my partner nor his mother have been handling this well at all, depression and anxiety seems to be getting the better of them.

@dee

I get what you mean. I'm an introvert who works at home and has two online businesses already, so this isn't a big change for me. I often find myself not leaving the house much anyway. Now it's weird because we can't. 

Never thought I'd miss running errands!

I really do feel for the extroverts right now. This is not their natural way of doing things. 

A friend of mine has two kids - one is 13 and he's a natural introvert. She said he's the happiest and most energetic she's seen him since the stay home orders.

Her daughter is 8 and a bona fide social butterfly. She has a full zoom social calendar because so many friends want to talk to her! Can you even imagine? That kind of fun and amazes me. 

I also worry about the economy and jobs. I got hit hard during the last recession and it was scary. I never thought I'd recover. Thankfully I did, as I know everyone will. People are creative and resourceful and I'm super curious to see what will come out of all of this. 

What kind of design and art do you do Dee? 

@dee

I am so glad you posted. You've  really keyed in on some key points and truly shown a wonderful awareness of your own personality and adapting skills and the differences in those of your husband and his mother.

For starters you do have a better ability to adapt to changes far better than your partner or his mother have--at least so far. And that's a huge distinction and one you're already aware of.

When you bring an extrovert who feeds off the social interactions with others, especially one who left a job that at least socially fed him his personality has a harder time understanding the changes and adapting that is requires in tighter quarters of isolation because his need to change is greater and more challenging. 

Both he and his mother spent their lives together creating and following that specific interactive pattern. Whether he's a true caregiver and takes responsibility for her needs and care (or at least half now that he's home) or he only saw him himself as the primary breadwinner whose job was to go out and earn the primary income can make huge differences in how he sees himself and feels "less than he thinks he is" now.

If he isn't adapting or accepting either emotionally as in "I'm the man,I'm the /partner son who provides and isnt able  (yet) to see thar he's still the partner, still the son, but now is needed to provide emotional and physical support to you and his mom by truly being presnt for you then it will be far more challenging to just make the switch without that conscious awareness.

His role providing, his role of serving and being there for others still exists, is needed and needs to be appreciated.

His mother has her own role in this new arrangement as well. If she has always lived with him needing the financial or any kind of physical health support that's one dynamic. And if you entered in when this was already in place, that's a far different one.

Your role hasn't changed that much unless you did enter their previous duo-ship already in place. But you didn't share her personality or dynamics of conflict. So ill skip my thoughts  on what could be even more complex issues.

As things are right now, your partner and you are both being given an opportunity for change and growth. He needs to adapt to opening up to change without the need for old patterns of behavior and role needs from both of you and feeling (frankly) sorry for himself as these changes are now. Men will often react this way due to cultural patterns and old traditions. 

Many many people go into anxiety and depression as "coping" skills instead of understanding those are emotional and psycho-social  behaviors arising from changing levels of different biochemicals pouring out in what becomes set patterning similar to the fight or flight response.

There is a physical reaction stemming from fear in all of those emotional/psychological/becoming physical behaviors. But they can be changed with response awareness and therapy. This shows us that with increased awareness we can change those reactions through self help self therapy and the understanding and being able to see, intuitively predict with seeing how it all works and being truly his partner now full time. But not by having to give up your own very needed alone, artistic, creative "dream and intend" but still being realistically aware of the need for changing that amount of time for you.

(If mom is set in her patterns working through those would be too much at this point for either of you).

Focus on encouragingly and appreciating his becoming a full time partner to you and a full time son to her but with added social interactions from you with him.

If you can take small walks outside together with appropriate social distancing from others do that. If you and he can play cards or a boardgame or whatever, do that. If mom wants to join in then great and even better.

It has to be far more than the two of them alone watching tv or primarily interacting with each other (or all of you just watching tv) in their old mother-child routines or patterns.

Two of you really have the chance to grow and change in your personal relationship. Mom can or or won't.  But this requires work of a far greater time for you all nevertheless. 

Share cooking, cleaning, pet care whatever equally instead of ignoring any of those or seeing each other as "thats your job" dynamics.

We are all going through this now and its huge and will increase in intensity as we continue in old patterns or behaviors (all of us) refuse to adapt and grow or as the duration of this (as most certainly it will) increases.

My husband and i have been in this state for 3 and 3/4 weeks. There has been much shifting on both of our parts. We cannot see our three children or our four tiny grandchildren (one is only 2 1/2 months old and she is literally changing and growing without knowing us. Its all hard in different ways based ion many dynamics but its still really hard.

But everyday we do things together and every day we do our hobbies or at home projects) and  every we interact as a big family in a huge group texting extravaganza with lots of photos.

And  even with the three partners in very high stress needed jobs that they all bring home the anxieties of, my kids are making it work as are we and as I know your three-way partnership could also work. Its always-day to day-facing new unexpected changes and dynamics. Be aware of changing emotions and choose a difference response that might better serve each of you is key. Choose and try again each new opportunity.

I'm more like you. i love being a home body focsing on projects, i appreciate the newfound social acceptance of being home all the time and the newfound appreciation of my now missing role in others lives (especially my children and grandchildren).

We all need to appreciate the challenges in each others lives and be thankful and show gratitude for having all others in our lives now in any form.

You are kind, sensitive, caring, and giving with an empathic awareness of others physical and emotional health. By willing to further change and adapt you will truly find your own gifts of intuitive awareness and sensitivity blossoming into far greater abilities and your other innate gifts.

Hang in there with change and  growth but use your gifts to light their way. They need your role modeling changes in you for them with the love and encouragement of empathic awareness.

Keep in touch here and remember now in these new times that every day is precious with those we love. 

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