Sorry if I haven't been talking, as there's a lot of things that were weighing on my mind, but that doesn't mean that I appreciate the prayers and blessings from everyone here. They do really help a lot, especially these dark times.
I've been struggling with my Uni work in the late, but the lecturer and my other classmates were really helpful in helping me getting through this, especially when my creative energy has been going through some sort of fatiage that's been making me feel laggy as a whole.
The silverlining for this whole thing on my end is that my birthday wasn't that bad. I expected nothing much on the day, but instead I got two packages arriving in perfect timing strangely enough and a friend was hanging out with me on zoom with drinks and we had a good chat about stuff where I don't feel I have to be gaurded.
I can honestly say I do not like feeling that I need to "recover" from a trip to the grocery store.
Hello to everyone here I'm just saying hi and responding to everyone about the connected topics here of both going to the grocery store and facebook.
About going to the store, I have not been to a store now in over a month. My husband does all the grocery shopping because he has a "system" down pat and also because he can't work right now and I am working from home. My job as an Exec Assistant has been keeping me so busy and it's been so much lately that I haven't even been able to post as much. I also think I "retreated" a bit into myself after my Aunt Mickey and several friends died from Covid-19. (I had a close friend say to me when she heard about my Aunt: "you seem to always have so much death in your life"). Whoa...well maybe, but I don't think so. I think my friend is one of those rare people who have the opposite. Both of her parents are still alive and in their mid-late 80s.
Anyway, my husband has been having bad dreams many nights, weird ones that he gets covid-19. I think it's because he is the one doing all the grocery shopping. It's stressful!
As far as facebook is concerned, I don't have my own facebook. My husband does because he needs to have it since he's a real estate agent. He never gets into political stuff on it though because of his work, he has to remain neutral on facebook. Most of the facebookers who get into political stuff seem to be the T supporters though. If I didn't already remain facebook free, I would have disabled it when T was elected anyway since I find the whole argument with friends and family over him very upsetting. I don't understand why any sane person would support him.
I think our society is going to change the way people shop etc. Perhaps every winter season stores will want everyone to wear masks while shopping and maintain better clean practices because of colds/flu/corona. Maybe that would even lessen the amount of people getting the flu.
I saw a doctor named Dr. David Katz on Bill Maher this past Friday who had some interesting theories about how to open up businesses in the US. Katz’s strategy is for a risk-tiered re-opening of society while continuing to protect the most vulnerable in our society. I'm not sure what to think yet, but here's a link. If you didn't see the show, Bill Maher has been inaccurately touted by right wing media as saying he thinks we should all get the virus and get it over with, which is not true. That was taken out of context.
I know it's bit of an ask, but I was wondering if there's any suggestions of how to overcome this dark spiritiual cloud of sickness?
It's been ongoing for quite sometime inside of me, to the point I felt my intuition is seemed blurry and blinded. I can't even foresee myself avoiding a nasty accident on my bike the other day, let alone being about to do some remove viewing and such. I had to rely on my Tarot and that wooden twin runes to help me look into things beyond the veil these days.
I've been trying to do mindful things, trying to think that the future is not that bad, trying to keep busy and focus on my projects, but it's hard.
So I'm all ears at this point.
Maybe take a break from trying to foresee events or look beyond the veil? Focus on what you can control - i.e., maintain your mindfulness in the present. Stop news gathering activities, or if you must, try to get your news through a comedy filter like Stephen Colbert or the Daily Show. You could also check out on YouTube - "Some Good News" by John Krasinski - ZERO political content.
If you can get outside and maintain safe distance, do so. If not, watch some movies or TV shows that are so silly they make you laugh out loud. Do a crossword puzzle or a coloring book. Focus on one mental task and block out everything else. You may then find that you'll "get your mojo back."
Good luck, keep us posted!
Still going through this awful dark haze that seems to never end, where it amplifies last month due to the stupid George Pell case. (I've called that thing all sorts of names under the sun since then and at one point I declare that there's no God or some sort of beneviolent enity, due to not only feeling that way, but also spite it cause I have complete lack of respect to that thing.)
I think I know what's wrong with me and frankly I'm sick of it, especially when a good chunk of people in my life is being dismissive of my concerns and fears, told me off saying "I should live normal person like everyone else."
I don't want to.
In fact I'm so sick and tired of playing this bs game of life, especially when you realised that the rules and the system is all rigged to favour those who have money, prestidge, power and perfection. It's also designed where people are forced to stuck in their own station, even if it hurts them both physically and the soul. This also made me realised that all my actions means s**t in the end.
This is where it made me feel like I'm trapped in this perpetual darkness to the point that there's no way out.
This society really hates my guts due to my austistic condition, where everytime I've tried to improve myself, it always comes backs and says "You have no chance to even have a slither of happiness and light."
It's a wonder why good chunk of scientific studies that says people in the Austistic Spectrum have a lower expectancy lifespan. Some even draws out that 36 is the median range where WE WOULD DIE in that age.
I got two years left before that bucket is kicked and I'm been failing left, right and centre for this whole time.
If there's something in life I want to get, but never will, is that light and relief from this dark chain. All I want is that my actions means something in the end, that my journey in working for justice is worth it. By that I mean serving fairness and justice to everyone as a lawyer, not serving the very small numbers of the privledge. And also find someone to love with and being loved back truely without the stepford bs that the game demands.
I'm sorry about that rant. I've been feeling awful in the past couple of weeks, especially when I feel the walls are closing in on me since lockdown.
No need to apologize, however I find your post quite concerning. I don't know where on the globe you are located, but I think you should call a suicide hotline asap, or at least a counselor, whether through an app or a counselor you know.
I have worked with autistic children in the past, and apart from those that had other, very serious health issues, I have never been made aware of a shorter lifespan for anyone on the autism spectrum.
I am also acquainted with several well into middle age adults who are on the spectrum, were not diagnosed until adulthood (after their children in fact), and who have led happy lives with careers they found satisfying. A couple of them are married to each other, in fact, and had met long before they knew.
My point to you is to not give up and not give in. You are depressed*. It can be a fatal condition. Take care of yourself, please. And feel free to rant on here as much as you like, we got your back.
(*not a mental health professional, just my opinion based on years of battling depression myself)
@Laura F, thank you for pointing out here to @goldstone that her post is concerning. Goldstone, we need to know if you are keeping yourself safe.
I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time, and I hope you will hold on, and also seek support. Especially autism-accepting support.
My son is autistic, and we had to go twice for that diagnosis--I welcomed it because without it we had no access to support & accommodations that he needs. I cherish the ways in which he is different, and ever since he was very little, we established a low priority on being normal! Before I even knew to call his repetitive movement behaviors "stimming" I understood deeply that the behaviors were a need, and good for him, and he's never been shamed for being his true, quirky self. The reason I understand him so well is that I might be autistic also; I'm definitely not neurotypical, and while I see some ADHD and a lot of anxiety in me, I relate to most autistic traits.
Because I follow a number of autistic self advocacy groups and pages on social media, I am familiar with the statistics regarding lower life expectancy. You may also be aware there there is a higher suicide risk for autistics as well. My sense of this is that the reality behind these numbers is complex. Some autistic individuals suffer from seizures and there may be other health conditions involved beyond simple neurological difference that may them more likely to die younger. It is REALLY sad, especially since the way many autistics communicate is not well understood by the neurotypicals who are caring for them, medically or otherwise. So these underlying issues may get overlooked and left untreated, leading to early death. The suicide risk is one I can relate to myself, not only as someone who is differently wired, but because I am adopted (and adoptees are more at risk for suicide as well). It is intensely painful to be isolated and feel like you do not belong anywhere and no one understands you. It feels hopeless. When you are different in a way that is not accepted or understood by mainstream society, the pain is tremendous--I think also of the higher suicide risk for LGBTQ folks. Affirming your place in the world and finding others to relate to, who love and accept you as you are, is SO MUCH harder, but know that it is possible!
I wrestled with depression and suicidal feelings, and even made an attempt at age 17. One thing that helped me heal was coming to understand and accept that EVERYTHING changes, especially thoughts and feelings. Our thoughts and feelings can have great power and influence over us, but they are NOT US--we can learn to step back a bit and watch them move through us like clouds moving across the sky. Like the rain clearing up. When you are in a bad space mentally, and all those self-harming thoughts and feelings and hopelessness is raining down upon you, please, please just try to hold on and trust that the rain WILL clear. You can say to those thoughts and feelings that you are aware of them, you acknowledge them, and bid them farewell--don't feed them or hold onto them. This is a practice, and it takes effort again and again and again, but the more you practice it, the more resilient you will become when these storms hit.
Are you part of any online or local positive autism communities? Do you have a therapist or other care provider who is autism affirming? We have a long way to go to get the rest of the world to that point, so I know that's hard.
In the meantime, please hold on. Sending you wishes for self love, peace, comfort, and healing. ❤️
I'm alright, I'm very sorry if I've scared everyone. I had some really rough times as there are moments that triggered some of my trumatic memories, mainly to do being on the receiving end on abuse and injustice. Being locked up in a broken house with some lost memories didn't help at all, which probably explains why I study in the Supreme Court library or my art studio frequently in the past, as this house distract me from my uni work.
Perhaps this is why I'm drawn towards studying law for my post-grad studies, as I've been seeking to close that chapter for quite a while now.
I am seeking counsel tomorrow though, I have an appointment with her. She's kind and understanding and is fully aware both my condition and lgtbq status that I've been hiding from my family this whole time, which makes my lock up in this house very uncomfortable at times.
I'm trying to do what I can to hold it on. Thanks.
@goldstone Glad you are seeing a therapist. We send love here, and that said, we are no substitute for one on one therapy. So many challenging issues you are dealing with . In my view that's a sign that you are gifted and called to move through them, and I believe you have the courage and strength to meet the task.
@gbs, @claire and @herondreams,
This is in response to your kind posts to me under the ‘Prayer List” thread.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom and experiences. Although I’ve known how much stress can physically affect me, I sometimes forget that it causes inflammation. Duh...! ? So when you combine all of those stressors – food reactions, emotional and physical stress, etc. – our bodies are on fire. No wonder they can go haywire.
I’ve been having the IBS/GI issues at least a month before the "allergic" food reactions began. Those reactions have been strange – nauseous, hot, lightheaded, tachycardia, and then my blood pressure goes through the roof. I've never had that happen before. The first time it occurred was about 5 weeks ago; we called 911 because I also had chest burning and a searing headache. The EMTs found nothing wrong – oxygen levels, EKG, etc. were okay. They stayed with me until my BP normalized (which is usually 115/70).
@gbs, I can relate to the intensity of hormonal changes. There’s a reason they call it “change of Life” – at least it was for me! My adrenals were shot. After I ended up on short-term disability from how sick I became during menopause, I had the gift of time and self-reflection. Something good came out of it – I soon left that job and found another much less stressful. (I’m retired now.)
@claire, so interesting about your sudden sensitivities to nightshades. I began reacting to those years ago while I was experiencing an aggressive bout of rheumatoid arthritis (thankfully that appears to be in remission). Nightshades contain chemicals that can contribute to leaky gut and stimulate and exaggerate an immune response, especially in those people with autoimmune diseases. I am able to eat tomatoes, but in small doses. Potatoes are also okay. Eggplant, which I love, creates havoc for me so I avoid it. (Bye bye, eggplant parmesan!) Thanks for suggesting the probiotic and carrying antihistamines.
@herondreams, so true that so much is interconnected! Like you I’ve learned recently that I have histamine intolerance – something called mast cell disorder. It seems to cause problems for me when seasonal allergies are active, and my stress (emotional) levels are high. The problem is the reactions can mimic those of a severe food allergy. There are a lot of foods that either contain or produce histamine, at varying levels, many quite nutritious (e.g. spinach, fermented foods, avocados). I’ve read that you need not totally eliminate them (unless there is an allergy); the trick is to balance those with others that do not contain it. The amino acid tyramine contained in some foods can also create problems.
Thanks again for your feedback, everyone.
The food intolerance thing is SO crazy-making--I feel you! And HUGS!! My husband is allergic to MSG and he gets heated, tachycardia, BP elevation, etc. with food reactions. There were times he almost went to the ER in the middle of the night, thinking he was having a heart attack, and then realized there may have been MSG in his food. Taking taurine helps his body recover more quickly. He also has some tyramine sensitivity, which started when he got Lyme disease several years ago.
I'm fortunate that my histamine reactions are fairly mild--rashes and hives. Often on my face, which isn't fun or attractive, but not worth giving up cheese and chocolate for. I'm strictly gluten free, and since I eliminated gluten 100%, I've been better able to notice when other foods cause spikes in inflammation. When it gets to a certain level, I watch my diet, but I love me my raw cacao! And right now it is strawberry season and I am enjoying them! They've always been my favorite, but they make me blotchy too.
You might experiment with L-theanine and different adaptogens to see if something might help your body resolve stress more easily. I always take it on an ampry stomach in the morning when I expect a more stressful day. It has been a must on grocery shopping days--even before COVID-19 hit.
And it is such a vicious cycle: stress affects your digestion, your gut flora--all of it, and in turn, you become more easily anxious, which ramps up the cortisol and makes you more stressed, and... aaaarrrrggh!
Hope your nerves & GI system settle down soon!
@herondreams, Wow ... I actually felt comforted when I read about your hubby's reactions -- not that he was miserable; just that I'm not alone with those responses. They were identical to mine! Thank you for mentioning taurine. I'm meeting with my integrative doctor tomorrow, so I will ask him about it.
Oh yes -- l-theanine! I love that stuff. My doctor recommended it, so I have multiple bottles at home. I've been taking it at night before bed, but I should probably add it during the day. The problem is that it can make me very tired, and I am already fatigued. But I guess better tired than wired.
Strawberries -- been eating way too many of those until I had that first reaction. That meal didn't contain strawberries, but better safe than sorry. I'm still eating 88% dark chocolate without any issues; also some cheese (except for blue, which I love).
I'm sure that if we polled everyone who frequents this site, we'd find many people who have food intolerances.
Thanks again!
@ghandigirl I completely understand I don't get on social media very often anymore, i only facetime my family to see them and that's about it. When i get freaked out I listen to some soothing music, have a warm bubble bath, or read a book to relax. I get a little freaked out too but I tell myself deep down i know everything will be alright I just need to focus on the now and the future will unfold and won't be as bad as I think it will be. ? we are always here for you.
Checking in just to let everyone know that I'm alright. I've been seeing my counsel today. She suggested that I should get in touch with another therapist where they can do a comprehensive look into some of the things that have been clawing me in the back of my mind, where they can work together to get me back onto the recovery road.
I'm not going to lie and say it's now gone. My depression and other underlying illness won't be disappearing overnight, nor the questions about justice I've been getting since the Pell case has ended, but I am trying to fight through this dark haze as humanly as possible. I still want to close this awful chapter and move on to the next, rather than ending in a sad way. I would look forward to something more quieter and meaningful once this whole storm is over, like doing some beekeeping and art, while married with a nice spouse who understands me and the occasional theatre display in the courtroom to just annoy a criminal defense lawyer. For justice of course.
Thanks for the prayers and the love. They mean a lot to me. ? ❤️
Very relieved to hear that you are essentially ok. Keep checking in here, or just reply on any thread about any thing. Glad the counseling is working out positively. Keep going.
Praying for you and sending you so much love and light! You are courageous to tell us all! ? ❤️ ?
Aw i'm sorry. This is a time of great loss. We sensitives feel this acutely. I too have been depressed and extremely overwhelmed. I have had to do a lot of thought replacement and it gets tiring.
It can feel so bleak but it's like a spider web in the dark and then it becomes backlit with dew and light in the early morning. The darkness is no less beautiful than the light.
I am imagining your name and surrounding you in healing energy and light. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to respond to you and remind myself.
I put my health above all else. I am digging in so as not to slip any further. I surround myself and you with a protection of white light, and invoke peace of mind to our highest good.
and all of you heart warriors and light workers, now is our time. Allyn sounded the shofar...
Time to hold the fragile, & powerful earth in our sway.