Thank you: Now Everything Changes
Hi all. I apologize for starting another solipsistic thread while this situation in the Middle East continues to chaotically unfold. I know many of you are scared sick. But “matters” within my life have been rapidly falling into place since the New Year, and I need to share those developments here. They’re too big for just my personal journal. In fact, when I put pen to paper last night, all I wrote was “now everything changes.”
Time for a story.
The week before Christmas, I took the train into Boston for a follow-up appointment with my new neurologist at Mass General Hospital. My neurologist exclusively treats patients who have been diagnosed on the neurofibromatosis spectrum, which encompasses 3 similar tumor-growth disorders of the nervous system: NF2 (what I have); NF1 (the most widespread of the 3); and schwannomatosis (the rarest of the 3). When I arrived at his office, I was upbeat. I felt an energy of optimism I had never brought to a doctor’s office, a feeling that soon something significant would change for the better in my life.
A few minutes after I sat down in the waiting room, two more patients—both young men (unrelated) and accompanied by their parents—checked in and sat down in the row of chairs opposite me. One looked a couple years younger than me, the other a few years older, and I could immediately tell that they had NF1. That’s because they both had visible plexiform neurofibromas, which is a type of tumor that’s specific to NF1. Plexiform neurofibromas cause gradual disfiguration of soft tissue and, occasionally, underlying bones, over the course of years. Because of the way they insinuate themselves into surrounding tissue, they are inoperable (aside: I volunteered for 2 weeks in 2014 and 2015 at a summer camp for children with NF1, so I’m intimately familiar with these things). The older patient had a neurofibroma on his head that was disfiguring half of his face. The younger patient had a neurofibroma on his right leg that was causing his tibia to bend to an extent that he needed combined arm and leg braces in order to walk (again, I’ve seen this in the kids I’ve worked with).
I could also tell, just by looking at their eyes and the way they carried themselves, that they were suffering profoundly on a spiritual level. I could see the hurt of repeated disappointment, of being stared at in public, of constantly being told that there wasn’t much to be done about their condition except to “watch and wait.” I recognized that suffering because I used to be in the same position not so long ago.
In my encounters at the NF1 camp, I had many instances of deep compassion and wanting the people in front of me to “get better” in a passive sense: I hope the doctors find a cure for you; that sort of thing. But those two young men I saw in Boston three weeks ago elicited a soul response I have never experienced. I desperately wanted to heal them, to actively make their tumors go away. I wanted to use everything I had been learning about narrative medicine, nature therapy, interpersonal healing, and energy healing in order to show them that there was more than the single story of their disease that the biomedical establishment had been telling them.
I thought A LOT about those two patients over the holidays, but it wasn’t until last weekend, when I was reading chapter 6 of Joanna Macy’s book, Active Hope, that everything started clicking. In that chapter she discusses how some of us will hear our calls to act for the world. She writes: “There will be times when we become alerted to an issue and experience an inner call to respond…We can experience our call to action in many different ways. Sometimes…we just know, even if we’re not sure how, that we need to be somewhere, do something, or contact a particular person…Just as we experience the Earth crying within us as pain for the world, we can experience the earth thinking within us as a guiding impulse pulling us in a particular direction.” Well, that’s exactly what happened to me in Boston. I encountered the key codes that activated my healer impulse, and it took Joanna Macy’s words for all of the visions and intuition Spirit has been sending me since 2017 to assemble into a coherent life path, and it’s this:
Beginning this coming autumn, after my service with AmeriCorps ends, I will be working in jobs that involve physical outdoor labor, but with people and endeavors that appreciate what it means to nurture Gaia (perhaps therapeutic or biodynamic farms). I’ve already become aware of places in the Bay State that meet this bill. My tumors will shrink, I will grow physically stronger, and my sense of hearing will improve as I further integrate marginal healing/esoteric practices into my own particular story of what it means to be alive now. Eventually some like-minded individuals and I will establish an intentional community centered on a therapeutic garden/farm (this is what I saw in my NDE), and people will come to us for physical healing.
But my focus will not be to make physical illness go away as an end unto itself. By directing people to nurture the land while also helping them craft the stories of being their souls tell them to be true, I will also be doing my part to purge globalized culture of the myth of separation. The myth of separation is the underlying cause of all the darkness we see in the world now. Over the course of millennia, ever since palace elites set up the first state granaries in Sumer and Shang Dynasty China, we’ve been convincing ourselves that we are apart from nature, and this delusion has bled into almost all of our institutions (including in healthcare, where the Cartesian paradigm of mind's separation from matter still reigns supreme). We’re convinced that competition and scarcity are the default of existence on this planet, when really Gaia wants to bless us with her ever-renewing abundance. The people who seek me out will be returning home not just with vibrantly healthy bodies; but with a renewed understanding that their souls are radically linked to all living things. This biophilic sense of interconnection is the wellspring of enduring health, joy, and contentment.
I know all of these steps in my future journey can come to pass because of something else Joanna Macy writes about following our call to action: “When we share our cause with others, allies appear; synergy occurs. And when we act for causes larger than ourselves, the larger community for whom we do this will be acting through us.” I already see this synergy happening all the time in this forum. We’re all lightworkers, sharing our causes of living through this profoundly draining period of transition. And we’ve kept each other going. Remember how frightening and scary things were 3 years ago? But this community has only continued to reach new heights.
You’ve all kept me going and helped me reach new heights. A lot had to happen just for me to end up in a new city at the precise date and time so that I was face-to-face with the 2 suffering strangers who unleashed my soul’s memory of why I came to this world, why I’ve kept trudging through so much sh*t. And I’m sure one of the active ingredients in that alchemy was the love and wisdom everyone on this site shares so freely. I’ve been deliriously happy all week, but last night, when the full realization of all of this mutual support hit home, my mood went to another level. I was laugh-crying, singing out loud, stomping my feet to the music coming from my speakers while I cooked dinner: Oh my God, I’ve made it, and so many people helped me. So THANK YOU, everyone: @jeanne-mayell, @vestralux, @lovendures, @cc21, @michele-b-here-in-the-forum, @unk-p., @laura-f., @lilinoe, @cindy, @deetoo, @triciact, @bright-opal, @baba, @codyroo, and so many, many more. I'll let Natalie Merchant express the rest of my gratitude:
It's 6 am here in the Dawnland (New England) without a cloud in the sky. Which means that in about 70 minutes, I will walk outside and greet Father Sun as he blesses a new day. I will ask for healing for myself and for the collective. Then, as I further absorb the first light, I will ask for help to send special healing energy to two strangers I may never see again, but who changed my life nonetheless.
The myth of separation is the underlying cause of all the darkness we see in the world now.
What a beautiful post, Coyote! And I cannot agree more with your statement above, and so much of your perspective.
I teach first-year writing at a university, and this summer I changed my focus for a "theme" (it is a skills-based class, so we can choose our content) to nature/ecology, in part to give my students an opportunity to make these deeply healing connections. Loss and trauma very early in my life set me this path of healing, and like you, I want to put myself out there to help others along the way. What I mean by this is tricky, because I don't see "helping" as something I can really control (i.e. I do this & it helps you) but more as a way of increasing the odds of moments of internal insight and connection, like what you described in your post. I don't know what I say or do or which readings might light a spark in someone's mind or heart that helps them wake up to our profound interconnection and interdependence (or, for that matter, what will help them write more effectively) but my life's circumstances have brought me to a place to share myself in this way and that is my work. How wonderful that you've found your calling, and I have no doubt that your light will be a guide for others, just as your words here continue to be.
@ coyote thank you for sharing this wonderful loving uplifting life affirming Journey of yours. @herondreams I agree, it is a most beautiful post. I work in a healing field also. Tho it may not be in the media nor mentioned in every day lives..there are many of us quietly doing our part.. we... are the grassroots movement...doing our part to change what we can where we can...shining our Light every chance we get. I too, give thanks for this Forum and the people here, who support and uplift and encourage as we travel these uncertain roads that is life today. Blessings.
You are a beautiful soul. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Namasté
Your soul is singing the most beautiful of songs. a song full of light, joy and hope.
Thank you for allowing us to listen to it and feel it with you.
Coyote, I awoke this morning and started my day by reading your posting. I had happy tears streaming down my face (my husband was wondering why I was crying). I told him I just read the most beautiful story and example of what a person who has a high vibration level and healing soul can do. An incredible calling and purpose in life. My prayers and love are with you and your journey. You have accomplished so much and have so much more to look forward to. Thank you for sharing this.
Even though it's only 26 degrees here in CT today I'm looking forward to going out for a walk and looking up at the same sun!
Reading your post was a great start to my day, too. I really appreciate your sharing your life story and NDE with us over these past months and now you have turned the page to begin a whole new rewarding chapter. It just feels right, doesn't it? It's as if all the pieces of your life's experiences are clicking together to reveal this new path. You are called to help people in the most profound, life-altering way and will have intense joy and satisfaction in the process. You are a beautiful being and I am so grateful to know you. Namaste, my friend. May peace and blessings fall down upon you like the gentlest of snowflakes, covering your very being, our Lightworker.
@Coyote, since it isn't possible for me to adequately convey in words the absolute awe, the radiant joy, or even the quiet hush of total reverence—and startling familiarity—that I feel running through me like a prismatic river of light at having been treated to your words, I can only say this:
We are overjoyed at your arrival.
We can all see clearly the world you have chosen to bring into being with you. And it is so beautiful, so necessary, so needed and longed for, that it brings tears to my eyes just typing this.
So, if there's ever a way I can support you in your endeavors, simply name it.
“We cannot wait for the world to turn, for times to change that we might change with them, for the revolution to come and carry us around in its new course. We are the future. We are the revolution.”
― Beatrice Bruteau
I don't have the words, either -- but I completely agree with everyone who has posted in response. Love, light, joy, purpose -- your post is radiant! Thank you!
I was meant to read your post this morning. Over the past month or so, I've been questioning what contribution I am making -- not only to this community, but to our world in general. I’ve been feeling very despondent and turning increasingly inward. I have found moments of peace, for which I am grateful. But in general, I’ve been feeling sick, old, overwhelmed and adrift.
Thank you for sharing so much of your journey on these forum pages. How you’ve taken the bits and pieces of your challenging life and transformed them is extraordinary. I am still trying to process it all. The sense of strength, freedom and joy you expressed was palpable and infectious. You are restoring my hope for the future, with a renewed faith in myself and in my fellow human travelers, as we wake up to – as you so beautifully expressed – “the understanding that our souls are radically linked to all living things.” It’s a sacred interconnectedness that cannot be ignored. I am in awe.
We don’t wait for miracles to come to us; we create them. You’re creating your own miracle. And you will touch other lives with the miracle of healing. You’re already doing it.
Thank you, @Coyote. I’m sending you love and blessings as you continue your remarkable life journey.
Tears of absolute and radiant joy for your finding the golden key of connection. This is the flow of joyous synchronicity of the mind-body-spirit connection of the purpose driven life.
Huge waves of love and light from all of us to all of you.
I'd love to know what sort of healing you practice.
I'm not sure how I forgot to tag you this morning. You've been a constant source of positive affirmation over the past year.
The angel tarot reading you did for me in the fall foresaw all of this. You pulled the Archangel Michael: Things suddenly change for the better, a situation moves forward. Luck is on your side. I also feel like the wolf moon energy is a contributing factor in why these shifts have been occurring now.
Believe it or not, us younger folk are prone to that exact same despondency these days. When I began living on my own in the fall, I felt awful. I understood how I had been pushing people away from me for 10+ years, and felt as though I had thus forfeited my chance to enjoy a fun, carefree youth. But youth, like miracles, is a story we create ourselves (only yesterday I learned for the first time about Doris "Granny D" Haddock who walked 3,200 miles across the United States between the ages of 88 and 90 in order the raise awareness about campaign finance reform). Really, you can write your own story of renewed energy and hope, share it on this forum, and it will come true. The power of the human mind to transform the quantum field of reality will never fail so long as you have a supportive community to affirm your story.
I've been awake for 36 hours straight because I've simply had too much energy for sleep. I was absentminded at work today, but not from fatigue. My thoughts were constantly whirring, thinking about what comes next.
When I was in the hospital in February 2017 for major depression, I met repeatedly with a chaplain who was trained in the Zen Buddhist tradition. We had a number of very deep conversations about the nature of being in this world now, amidst all of this chaos. I finally broke down in one of those conversations (the only time I lost it during those 18 bleak days), because all I could think about was how badly I wanted a circle of fellow searchers with whom I could share my thoughts, at any time. It turns out this online space was there for me all along. And soon, in-person soul allies will start appearing in my life, I can feel it.
Okay, I'm tired of talking about myself. I had my moment. Has anyone had their own personal transformations/soul awakenings/calls to action they'd like to share?
Coyote you have inspired us all today and I am sure there are thousands we don’t see who will read your words and feel joy. I awoke this morning to a text from a friend who does not post here telling me that Coyote has written the most amazing post. We Correspond regularly and while she loves the forum for all of the beautiful and articulate posts you all provide here. she has never pointed to a particular post. She too was inspired
Joanna’s life work has been to create a community of teachers who would carry forth her work which she calls “the work that connects.” She would be happy to see what you wrote here, you, a student she hasn’t even met.
So many beautiful synchronicities here around Joanna Macy's work!
@Coyote, I started earlier to tell you a story about my own soul's awakening codes/ transformational process, but it got to be too large a task, and I'm super busy with work at the moment. *exhausted sigh* I had to save it as a file "to be edited" and will make an effort to come back to it. (Oh! And I found my notes on the Coyote dream, which I'll share later on too.)
I'm popping in here now because I meant to say it earlier and failed to:
Please, get sleep.
I imagine you've drifted off by now, but if you find you're unable to sleep as long or as consistently as usual during the period around this first 2020 eclipse (tomorrow, 2:15pm ET—a radical astrological and energetic event, to be sure!) and after, I hope that you'll at least force yourself to lie still for regular periods in meditation and/or listening to healing sound frequencies, etc.
Perhaps you already know this on some level, but it's clear that your physical body is presently being rewritten as your DNA profile is more fully and holistically activated. This is beautiful! The caveat is that it also means that you're likely more vulnerable to any shifts and swings in energy that you're experiencing right now.
Additionally, you're at a POTENT (which is also to say: delicate) stage of your shamanic awakening. This means that you're likely far more sensitive to energetic and material stimuli—even more than usual (which, for you/most here, I'm guessing is a lot).
Now, it takes a bonded, cohesive community to safely midwife the birth of a shaman, and look at us! Here we all are. So, with the insistence of your guides and everyone here holding space with you, I'm stepping forward a moment to urge you to rest. Eat clean and often (even though you may not have much of an appetite at times). And basically, drink all the water.
Your body needs these things more urgently than ever to help you ground the higher vibratory light that you're now receiving into your physical expression, so that the body-mind complex can continue to be made whole. Besides which, regular sleep/rest cycles are detoxifying and will prevent you from collapsing into depression at the next stage of the process. This is important, which I know you know. And because my weakness is stating the obvious, apparently: you are not now, nor have you ever been, nor shall you ever be, mentally or emotionally unwell. Quite the contrary: you've arrived highly sane and deeply sensitive inside an utterly insane collective dream.
And you're here in part to help right the upside-down of things, so mind your self-care.
In the days and weeks ahead, should you start to feel any de-stabling energies or effects, please keep in mind that the shamanic awakening process ain't easy (though it's pretty freaking badass with the right perspective). Your primary job is just to be still and know. To witness. To observe any symptom or "autonomous complex" (Jung/Levy) that surfaces as merely an "object" belonging to your awareness (and therefore, not actually the "subject," i.e., you)—so that you may thereby help it to shift and dissolve.
For example, you were never your illness, as much as you may have (over)identified with it for a time. Rather, NF2 was merely an object belonging to your awareness. And now that you are placing "illness" into its proper context (integrating its wisdom), it's shifting.
@coyote, how wonderful! I finally got to read this post. We truly do find our purpose when we look for what we can do for others, now don't we? With my upbringing/family situation, I was always expected to do for others, and it didn't typically seem to be appreciated. My actions were usually wrong or not enough. It wasn't until the plane crash, and I did for others and I found that people were truly grateful. I found it did as much for me as it did for those I was trying to aid. For a long time, it made me feel selfish-especially because I had an ex and family members who berated me for what I was doing, as it got me attention they weren't getting. It's not about attention, tho, is it? It's about intention.
@deetoo, take it from someone who found themselves in the spotlight, finding purpose isn't about big and grand. There are many people out there who are what and who they are simply because someone once did something nice, kind, or loving when they needed it most. That someone could even be a stranger. In this tapestry of life, every thread counts, not just the gilded or brightly colored ones. They can't shine if there's not some plain thread behind it supporting it, binding it to the entire fabric. There are times when just a random act of kindness can be enough to change someone's path, or keep them on the right path, and we never know that our simple gestures or actions are the reason.
For you younger folks, also keep in mind that not knowing or searching isn't a bad thing necessarily. For those who's purpose was clearly defined and found early in life, there's the entire remainder of our lives left to live knowing that our 'grand purpose' lies in our past, yet we must still move forward. It can be trickier to navigate than the angst we feel while wondering what our life's purpose is. Look at how many entertainers hit the skids financially, emotionally and physically once their time in the spotlight is over after a shorter than hoped for career.
I had a rough weekend two years after the crash. Monica was being graduated posthumously from high school. One of her best friends from another school had asked me to go to her graduation as well, since Monica wasn't around to help celebrate. After attending both ceremonies, I was to head to New York to be one of only six family members they thought had the strength to sort through the personal effects of the crash. I can't and won't even describe how hard all of that was for one three day weekend. Only three of the six asked actually had what it took to go into that hangar in Long Island. While at my first stop on this trip-the friend's graduation, I was wondering if I could do it all-especially by myself. I was at a stoplight, and my cell phone rang. I picked up the brick we used to have for phones and found an NTSB who had been assigned to me specifically over the course of the crash and investigation (not standard procedure-I had a number of issues that had to be handled, plus my activism which made the NTSB the go to agency for family assistance). A year and a half earlier, I had been asked to the White House for the signing of a bill creating laws that govern how families are to be treated in the aftermath-The Aviation Family Assistance Act of 1996. I had testified in front of congress a few times to get the legislation passed. This call 18 months later was the NTSB letting me know that new policies went into effect that said international carriers could no longer fly into the US unless they too complied with the laws on how to humanely deal with survivors and family members after an accident. I was happy and grateful, and before the light could even change I had realized that in small way, I had actually changed the world. I even said so to the agent-and thanked him for his help. He was a sensitive soul who got choked up at my realization, and he quickly got off the phone. The light changed to green, and I drove across the street to the mall parking lot in front of me, where I parked the car on the outskirts of the lot to gather myself and have a cry. I could fell Monica with me, and the very first song to come on the radio was Clapton's "Change the World", which only added to the tears. That call got me through that weekend. Still today when I need a boost, I'll hear the song. I hear it often-it's my ringtone.
Dearest Cindy, even after sharing 3 years of heart-baring and heart-opening posts about our life challenges and experiences here, your words and the images they carry never fail to remind me of the beauty and its corresponding pain of intense opening and activating experiences that you have not only endured but were brave enough to rise with and above.
An intense mental-physical-emotional and truly spiritual warrior woman activist in all ways was born.
My heart and thoughts are with you now as you go through the challenges of in-home family care taking and endless care giving. It is a fire walkers path that hones us beyond measure.
Thank you and bless you always for reaching out through exhaustion to continue to share here.
We are all coming back to this thread Coyote over and over as we continue to read and re-read your original post and all of our responses and comments.
There was so much more that I wanted and needed to write and to share with you but Vestralux has said it for me and said it so very well.
The opening experience--the big bang that knocks all other smaller ones out of the ballpark--can be so incredibly intense of a series of emotional, physical, and spiritual experiences that it can and has driven enlightenment seekers mad.
Whether it is an intense "kundalini train" that lasts for days to weeks to physical experiences that can create many worldly challenges.
I had intense vibratory experiences for years and years in my own work as an energy healer (touch with Reiki and other modalities-- all levels--(animal-vegetable-mineral-metals-electronics) non touch, vision quest trancing and other shamanic practices and so on).
My physical body vibrated so hyper intensely that only intense focus and faith and trust kept me grounded enough from feeling like I might explode.
It lifted me off the ground for many seconds at a time and involved tremendous arm flapping and even once catapulted backwards across the room in a somersault.
It was exuberant, incredibly joyful bliss with electro-bio-magnetic energies beyond words to describe. And so many connecting experiences--dreams, astral traveling, seeing and hearing from other dimensions etc. It took over my life.
It became such a big focus and drive--the need to learn, to do, to be and most of all to help others-- that it often overshadowed my ability to see the bigger picture.
I thought I could do and be it all and it zapped me in more ways than the lovely purpose driven bliss of being and doing.
Never sleeping became a way of life then a brain patterning, then an emotionally disruptive state of not knowing which reality I was even walking or floating in at times.
Even now I have to remind myself to pull back, to focus on my life, my family and place those priorities above all else. I take breaks and leave all else for I know others will step up and do needing their own time to learn by doing even here at this site.
Read and reread over and over again what V. has shared about self-care and awareness. But as she has also said, you already know all of this as you know now and will know and understand more and more as you go along and even far more later.
Do not fear, never ever give up, and know that you are loved, treasured and believed in beyond measure.
The full moon early Saturdsy January 11 will be huge. Huge. Things will arise and evolve and be life changing in all ways.
We are with you and with each other in these thunderbolt cycles of light but always keep an awareness that in order to see and be the light, we also have the deepest understandings of the need and experience of the dark.
Without the dark we would never experience the truest brilliance of the very center and heart of that divine light.
Love love love to you from all of us who understand.
Oh Cindy. I have no words. I actually balled my eyes out reading your post. (This is the second time this week my husband has looked at me and wondered what I was crying about, he doesn't read here) I was aware of the fact you lost Monica but I never knew how. My heart is truly with you and your family. I can't even imagine, yet my empathic side is feeling this on some level now after reading it. I'll never hear that song again without thinking about you and the crash.
I'm going to pray for you during this full moon and ask the angels to give you a big warm hug (though be prepared when I had an angel hug me once I felt a chill run up my arm). I know she is a butterfly angel (I don't even know what that means I just heard that clearly as I'm typing this). I'll have to look that one up...
I looked it up, this is what it said: "Is a Butterfly sign of an angel? Yes, butterflies are an incredibly common sign from deceased loved ones! ... Really, looking at butterflies from a number of angels, the answer appears. These magical winged messengers really are delivering guidance and love from spirit. Butterflies are deep and powerful representations of life. Many cultures associate the butterfly with our souls. The Christian religion sees the butterfly as a symbol of resurrection. Around the world, people view the butterfly as representing endurance, change, hope, and life.
I looked up a butterfly angel and spirit said pick the red one...so here goes:
My heart is with you and thank you for sharing this and helping many who have shared the loss of someone from a plane crash. ❤️
A lot of very beautiful things written in this thread. You all inspire me. My problems pale in comparison with the loss of a child, and overcoming more severe health threats than I face.
I too want to add my love and light to all of you. Especially in these past few days where anything seemed possible, and dangerous for our country. For me, my calling has been to work with children and teenagers to help them learn healthy habits, to allay their fears, and to teach them how to be good and helpful people.
This life is about helping and connecting. I do this is a teacher, a tutor, an art instructor, artist , and musician. But even more I do this when I struggle and reach out for help. That is the bravest way I know to heal myself and in turn heal the world.
My continued love and gratitude to all on the forum and all who follow without comment. It is comforting to know that you all represent just a fraction of all the wisdom, power, and faith available on the planet. I hope , and believe, we can change the world, one thought, one feeling, and one person at a time.
Much love, and in remembrance especially of your Monica. Ghandigirl