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 CC21
(@cc21)
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Paul W and TaG22 -- thank you for your feedback and your positive thoughts and love! I appreciate it.


   
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(@mas1581)
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CC21,

I went thru that phase at about the same age. My issues came from boredom and the feeling like the teachers wouldnt entertain my thoughts and opinions, so why should I entertain their requests for homework. It was a respect issue that was never fixed early and followed me for many years, but I changed it once I realized it. 

If she is being treated differently(even subtly she will pick up on it), she can lose the respect she needs to work hard for the teachers she has. Talk to her and set aside a sitdown conversation where she knows anything she says will not get her in trouble so she can be completely open with you. Bluntly ask her why she thinks she is having these issues, reassuring her every step of the way that you are only having this conversation to help her. When she starts talking, dont offer solutions-just ask questions until she fully articulates the problems she is having. Once she is done, ask her hpw you should go about fixing them and let her give all the answers(leading her if need be).

If she feels fully open and listened to from you, then you can relay the problems to the school/teacher without any interference she might be getting.


   
RosieHeart, CC21, RosieHeart and 1 people reacted
 CC21
(@cc21)
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Thanks, MAS1581.  I appreciate your feedback. We have definitely had some good discussions with her and have her perspective on quite a bit. Hard to explain it all here, but she is a very quiet kid, especially in school, and always has trouble speaking up. The school environment can be draining for her, as an introvert with anxiety and hearing issues! So, by the time she gets home, she is just done. But yet, she does have an opinion on the value of homework (hates to do it, thinks it is "stupid" - and I have to say that I see her point, though I would phrase it differently. I don't think that piling more work onto kids after a full day is the most productive or helpful thing and there are many recent studies that reflect elementary and even middle school homework is of little to no benefit.)

Anyway, we definitely will continue to talk with her as things proceed - I love taking a "what if" approach with her - if you didn't go to school, what would you do? What would your ideal set-up be? And she has come up with some great things that mesh with what I have read about some relaxed homeschool and/or self-directed learning options. Lots to consider as the school environment and teachers are, on the whole, very supportive and a great community (it is a K-8 school) and there are many things that she enjoys about being there.

Thanks again to you all for your perspectives, advice and good vibes!


   
(@mas1581)
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CC21, try having her use the homework to "teach" you what shes learning in school. If she finds value in it(by helping her parent learn) she will be more apt to give it a try even when drained.


   
(@rosieheart)
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Posted by: CC21

Hi all,

Just wanting to reach out for a little support. We have had school difficulties with our two daughters (age 11 and 9.) Last year it was particularly rough for the 9 year old, but this year she is doing much better. However, our 11 year old is really struggling this year. She has some known anxiety and also some hearing issues (she just received hearing aids a few weeks ago to help minimize background noise, which is the main distractor), and has an accommodations plan with school for some adjustments to help. However, we are waiting on some additional testing to see if an attention disorder is also there. We are working with the school and her, but she is really struggling with hating homework and school in general. There are no bullying issues or anything. We could just really use some positive light regarding how to proceed with helping her (whether we look into alternative schooling vs traditional, or how best to help her adjust to the increased demands of 6th grade, etc.) Thanks in advance for any positive vibes or insight you can send our way. This has been stressful over a long period of time and frustrating for all of us. Thanks!

You've already received great advice, but here is one other thing you might ask your daughter:   is she being teased or bullied by classmates?

My son loved school until the 6th grade when he suddenly no longer wanted to go or do his homework.  We were at our wits end and couldn't understand why his attitude had changed so radically.   Until one day he came home with a bruise on his arm and, when we asked him about it, he burst into tears and finally admitted that a group of kids had been tormenting him on the playground every day for several months.   The bullying had reached a level where he was now being physically attacked.  He'd never mentioned any of this to us or his teachers.   But, he'd given us plenty of clues with his sudden dislike of school and school work.   

I hope this is not the case with your daughter, but it is worth considering and *gently* asking her about how she gets along with the other kids at school, just to rule it out as a possibility.  

 

 


   
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 CC21
(@cc21)
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Thanks, RosieHeart, for your suggestion. We do not see bullying as an issue - she has had these similar school issues for the last couple of years (regarding homework) and also some "mean girl" stuff that we have talked about regarding certain kids at school over the last year or so. The school has been responsive and it was never a huge issue, so I don't think it is that. Good to ask about, though, to rule things out. I am sorry your son had to deal with that.


   
(@nancy)
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I'm excited to be here and becoming a part of this family of precious souls.  I left my reply under the tarot card forum but will get use the different forum shortly.

Nancy

 


   
(@tag22)
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CC21,

I wanted to add some things to my response a few days ago concerning your daughter.  I was also a kid who resented all the homework.  Certain subjects I would shut down on because I couldn't see why I would ever need to know that.  About your daughter's age, I attended a school with great teachers that made such a difference even all these yrs later.  One teacher did things like create a baseball game using history facts instead of bats and balls.  Another taught us how to remember things by drawing cartoons, making up stories or songs etc with the facts. A teacher changed my mind about math by showing how it could be used in the real world.  We figured out how much pudding it would take to fill our football stadium or how to build a roller coaster.  As soon as I could see how I might use that math related to something that interested me,  I was hooked. Something else to consider.  I had always been a bookworm until 6th grade when I thought boys might not like me if I was smart.  I quit reading for pleasure until I was an adult.  I also learned as an empath, how to ground myself and protect my energy each day so I didn't end up drained.

I have a son who was stubborn like me.  He said he wasn't going to learn to read until I mentioned all the other things he wouldn't be able to do if he couldn't read. Then I begged him to not learn to read as I couldn't stand to see him unhappy. In the end he was begging me to let him read.  He became one of the top readers in his class. Later,  his teacher thought he was suddenly having problems reading.  Turns out he just hated the Bernstein Bears books that the class was reading.  As soon as they began a book about sharks, he was top of the class again.  Same thing with times tables.  He refused to learn them. He was into army comedies at the time, so my husband turned math homework into boot camp where he did 5 push ups or situps everytime he missed a flash card.  My husband made a hilarious drill sergeant.  It sounds harsh, but our son giggled all through his boot camp training. He learned the times tables and got a little buff at the same time.?  In high school, he never brought a book home to study.  He also played a difficult instrument he refused to practice at home.  He made good enough grades and was named musician of the yr in both 9th and 12th grades.  He just had enough natural talent to skate through.  A teacher told me if he applied himself, Ivy League schools would be fighting over him.  That didn't interest him in the least.  I learned to pick my fights. He skipped college.  He got an apprenticeship leading to a high paying job where he uses math every day.  ( which I still tease him about) He bought his own house while his friends were  just coming out of college with huge debt.  He is a successful artist on the side.  He is the guy you want on your trivia team.  And he is very intuitive.  Kids are all different.  You just have to stay sensitive to how they learn and adjust expectations to their personalities.  It will work out eventually.

 


   
Jeanne Mayell, RosieHeart, CC21 and 5 people reacted
(@michele-b)
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Amazing ideas and parenting tips TaG22.

Not only was your son fortunate to have some great teachers, he was blessed with   exceptional parents. What a great young man he became, too. Congratulations to all of you!


   
Jeanne Mayell, RosieHeart, TaG22 and 3 people reacted
 CC21
(@cc21)
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Thanks so much, TaG22. I love hearing the details of you and your son's experiences. And yes, I totally agree that you have to be sensitive to who your child *is*, rather than who you think they should be. I am totally open to whatever path my daughters are interested in, but I think part of the struggle is knowing when/if you should push them through some struggle to get to the other side, or if that is making things worse. As with many things in life, you don't know how things will turn out, so you have to make the best decisions that you can at any given moment. It is hard!

Thanks again for your thoughtful posts.


   
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(@michele-b)
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CC21,

that is actually the most important point of all for you and your childten,  just as it is for us with ours.

Truthfully, we've all been there and faced these choices at one time or another. And if others were to try to force us, well most of us would resist if not outright dislike it.

While some children thrive with challenges, others are so sensitive (and in our empath energy that's a lovely sign not a weakness) that you need to first respect their true nature, their innate self and spirit.

None of us knows who they truly are at their gentle core iof incarnate self or know what and why they carry the spirit's journey they have chosen.

We can sense the uniqueness and love their spirited being whether outwardly or inwardly projected but we don't always see our role or how to best strengthen and empower them.

Continue to show the great love you

have for them and belief in them and their own right to be as they are from time to time in their growth and development. It can go a very long way towards empowerment and allow them the growth time they not we, need.

That's the dichotomy and the other sign of their choices we don't always see or honor.

Bless you and know we support this most important and often most challenging of life's experiences--being a parent. ?

 

 


   
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(@maria-d-white)
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CC21, I was a teacher for a while, though kids a little older than your daughters. My first thought is that having trouble hearing explains a lot of problems, it must be hard for her to follow. It may well be that simply a good hearing aid solves at least half of the trouble.

The issue of hating homework is very, very common. I did myself. What you should be focusing on is not how much homework she does but whether she's learning enough to get good enough grades. For some subjects, like maths, homework is very important for learning. For others, not so much. I suggest explaining to her that the important issue is that she's learning enough, and if she can prove to you that she knows the subject well enough, it doesn't matter how much homework she does. Some teachers take into account whether the homework is done for grades. If that's true for your daughter, you'll have to point it out and explains that sometimes you need to do things you don't like in order to get something you want. Having a little reward after homework is done can help, something like giving her a favorite snack that she won't be allowed till she's finished her homework.

All of the above is assuming that she actually wants to do well at school, or at least doesn't want to do too badly. If she's saying things like she doesn't care about getting bad grades, that's a whole new conversation. Then you'd have to talk with her about what she wants to do when she's grown up, and point out that her options will be seriously limited if she's done badly at school.

 


   
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(@tag22)
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I agree, Maria.  Sometimes a reward will work.  My son was one that didn't respond to bribes or care about grades.  He wanted to go on a school trip to Italy in jr high.  I told him if he got all A's the next quarter, I would let him go.  He said,"I don't want to go that badly." He had an argument that the grading system does not measure true intelligence.  While he was right, it is still how schools work.  Sometimes you have to suck it up and do things that aren't fun in life. By high school, he used study hall to do his all his homework.  Teachers loved him, even though they thought he could do much more.  He also had his heart set on becoming a rodeo clown.  Even approached the clowns at rodeos for advice.  I think it was around that time that I started having to color my grey hair.? Parenting is not for sissies.  It is the hardest thing I have ever done.  


   
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(@villager)
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CC21,

 
Two things stand out to me in your posts. The first is that the situation has been stressful over a long period of time. The second is that in your ‘what if’ conversations, your daughter has come up with ideas that lean towards self-direction. I think if that is the case, it is absolutely worthwhile exploring other school options. Maybe democratic schools, or small community schools that allow for more self-direction? As a fellow introvert for example, small environments suit me better, maybe that is the case for your daughter? Is her current school large?
 
In any case, I’d like to encourage you to explore other options with your daughter. I don’t feel that it would hurt. 
 
I’d also like to encourage you to define how long is too long to be in a stressful situation. While it’s an important skill to adapt and see things through, it’s just as important for her to learn how to assess if an environment is working for her, and make changes if it isn’t. A few years back, my (albeit much younger) child was very unhappy. Seeking out (and finding) an alternative made all the difference.
 
One resource that could help is the Alternative Education Resource Organisation.  If you feel stuck, I can also recommend getting in touch with a good conscious parenting/family coach.

   
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 CC21
(@cc21)
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Thank you all (Michele B., Maria, Tag22, villager) for taking the time to reply. I do appreciate it. Yes, the thought process and experiences we have had with her are more involved than is easy to write up in a quick post, so I appreciate all of the advice you all have provided, given your own experiences, etc.

Maria - she did just get some hearing aids this fall to help minimize background noise. Her hearing loss is in the upper ranges so she hears pretty well most of the time, but lots of background noise in a classroom can be bothersome...though also, the hearing aids amplify other distracting noises, so it is a hard balance!

Tag22 - We have tried the reward thing - that doesn't work for her (never has, thinking back even to when she was a toddler...) Her younger sister, however, can often be persuaded by rewards. It is so interesting to see how differently they work/behave/respond to things. I totally agree that parenting is, by far, *the* hardest thing I have ever done!

villager - thank you so much. Your response resonated with me as that is where my thought process has been going for some time. By the way, I wasn't trying to be cryptic in my original post, but like I said earlier it is hard to get all of the details/thought processes into one post without boring/overwhelming anyone reading it. Husband also is open to considering alternatives, but it is not a clear-cut "we should do this" from either our standpoint or our daughter's -- hence our continued confusion/hesitation to make a change. I have been reading/doing research about homeschooling, unschooling, self-directed learning, etc. for the past 2 years so I have a good sense of what others do, how they handle it, etc. and think it could potentially be a good fit for her. But our daughter still enjoys many things about school, and though I think is very perceptive about what she doesn't like, she is only 11, definitely an introvert and does not necessarily know how to articulate or advocate for something different for herself. So what she does now is refuse to do homework and say how much she hates it. She does attend a small school, which is great (it is a K-8 Catholic School, so very supportive, but also rather traditional in its curriculum, homework expectations, etc.) They do a soft transition to true middle school there, so it is still just 2 teachers splitting the subjects. I cannot even imagine her being able to handle a regular public school environment in 6th grade. Yet she scores well on tests, really has a terrific memory and absorbs lots of info, but just gets really frustrated at having to do homework. I totally get her point of view - you can dress it up all you like and try to make it interesting to the kids, but if they don't want to do it, they don't want to do it. I think she saves her most vociferous objections for home (which means she feels safe expressing herself - yay!), but doesn't want to communicate that to the teachers (then again, what kid would?)

I appreciate your encouragement to consider alternatives, especially after a long time of stressors about these same issues. We did some family therapy last spring and that was sort of helpful, sort of not. It can be hard finding a good fit with a therapist.

Anyway - I feel like I am jumping all around with different responses here. :) Thank you all again and please send all the clarifying vibes our way that you can! :) I am the kind of person that can kind of see the way forward and yet in this situation, we have been waiting for/looking for things to shift/click/clarify for a very long time and it is just not happening. All the best to you all!

 


   
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(@tag22)
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CC21,

Just the fact that you are so engaged with trying to do the right thing with your daughter is huge.  There won't be a magic fix that makes it all better until she is out of school.  There will be little victories and plenty of oops, that didn't work out so well moments.  Sometimes you have to be the bad guy.  Other things you can let slide.  It appears that you have really good instincts. I had to apologize to my kids on some occassions. They learned from that that it is okay to make mistakes and admit it.  Then you dust yourself off and do better the next time.  Other times, I could see they were manipulating the situation.  It kept me on my toes. You just have to keep your sense of humor.  I think your family is going to figure this all out and be fine.  Good luck.


   
Jeanne Mayell, CC21, Jeanne Mayell and 1 people reacted
(@laynara)
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Hey guys it's been a while, my son has had a extremely, speedy recovery. I got for a job interview tomorrow, I am trying to become more people oriented and more social, I have severe social anxiety and it's hard for me sometimes to say what is on my mind. I hope everything goes well, because I'm really interested in this job and need the extra money coming in because of food prices where I live, 

Lots of love, 

      Laynara


   
Jeanne Mayell, villager, Tiger-n-Owl and 11 people reacted
(@michele-b)
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Oh, Laynara!

This news is beyond awesome!

Your great love, inside and out, and your deep down strength and power and knowing who you truly are is rising  up, stronger and stronger every single day!

Social anxiety is part of our own sensitivities only exaggerated by other genetic and sensitive connections to all that is happening around us and through us.

There's no need to fight it, just acknowledge its presence, respect its warning, tell yourself "I can do this"!

Breathe peace in, blow anxiety out, and let your true light shine.

We are all so happy for your son, your family, and you!

 

 


   
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(@laynara)
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I go to my interview in a few hours, I'm trying my hardest to stay calm, I honestly don't know what to expect. And thank you Michele your amazing and thank you all for the support.


   
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(@michele-b)
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Laynara,

Sending you love, peace and calming, You deserve this, are qualified, and have earned it. You go girl ❣


   
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