[Closed] Support Wanted - Reach out here

Thank you all for the love and compassion you have shown me, I appreciate all the support I have received here. I feel deeply that I was drawn here for a reason. 

Hi Robin,  I’ve been thinking about you for several day and the profound loss of your mother.  I just lost my mother three months ago.  Not a day goes by that I don’t  think think of her.  I know our bond is not broken by death and I know the bond between you and your mother is the same.  I am sending you healing thoughts and energy and pray that you will experience profound knowing that your mother is only absent in body and that her spirit continues to bless you.  Her life was a life well lived and a life full of love.  You will continue that blessing forward to nurture the rest of your family.  Peace and love be with you, dear one.

BlueBelle,

Thank you so much for your kind words. They are heartfelt and greatly appreciated.                  I am truly sorry for your loss. 

Robin, I am so sorry to hear about your mother.  May you always feel her spirit surrounding you with love.  Be well, and take care of yourself in the days ahead.  Hugs!

Saturday I found out that my little brother died. He was 50 years old. He died of a drug overdose--unintentional. His death is being ruled by law enforcement as a homicide. A lot of disturbing information was provided by his kids and my nephew who found him. He had a lot of different drugs in his house. He had a lot of money. I don't think he was selling drugs though. He ran a construction business and participated in some kind of wink nod gambling "lottery" outfit. The police received search warrants and confiscated all materials involved in the latter. I noticed a few years ago that he was much changed. He had lost a lot of weight and his skin appeared grey to me- I thought he had cancer and urged him to go to the doctor. This was a few months after he had broken up with a girl named Stacey who was living at his home. She was the person who sold him the drugs that killed him Friday night. Before this he was with a woman named Jen who I have found out was also a user and she also was very good with manipulation and confidence. He had fallen in love with her and wanted to marry her. She led him on but really, I think he was in so bad she could not drive him away so that is why she introduced the other girl to him. They were back together when I saw him last. He was looking a lot better--- he had gained weight, was pink again and it was communicated to me that he was in a methadone program. She said something of that to me. He never told me, admitted he was addicted to that or using it despite our closeness, I think perhaps he was too ashamed?  At any rate, she told his kids this weekend that they were broken up and she did not know what he was doing- but she worked with him and came to his house frequently and driving his car and I think he was paying her apartment rent and bills.

Anyway, like I said I was unaware of all that he was involved with-- how deeply. I tried reaching out this summer--sent him a picture of the house next door and told him it was for sale to come back home.

Now everything is a mess. My sister lives down there and is trying to get a handle on everything for his kids - who are in their 20s - the boys are shiftless and unprepared and yet want to be in charge where the oldest - his daughter -- she is very busy with her job and her fiance is not wanting her to get very involved in things. His youngest I think is addicted to drugs as well and has mental health issues. He has destroyed parts of the house I think in temper tantrums when my brother did not give him money. No one wants to deal with him or house him as he is destructive, thieving, unstable, etc. I think he needs to go to drug rehab and get mental health care (he is 20 years old) but how? He is not willing. I think he will refuse to move out of the house.

Until the city releases his remains, we are in a kind of limbo regarding a memorial service. Additionally, the Will that was found was not legal (however I found I was in possession of some signed attestations and a copy of the Will which I faxed to my sister).  In the meantime the bills need to be paid etc. 

All this lays on top of the beautiful soul my brother was.  He was a loyal person who I think had shining white knight syndrome. He attracted or was attracted to unsuitable women (women who were bad for him). He was hard working and generous. He cared about people. He loved the deep woods when he was young. There are so many good stories to tell about him growing up. I have to be thankful today that my mother died before all this happened or this would have killed her. We plan to have memorial for him and my mother since we did not hold one for her (she was quite a recluse and did not know a lot of people locally). They were both Taureans. They are at least both together now and watching us. But what a mess.  I don't think that I could have had any influence on him once he put himself in the pattern he chose. He was obstinate when we tried to talk to him about his girlfriends. Once he was addicted, I can't say that there was any other possible outcome.  I say this because I just found out that he and Jen both had overdosed before and were resuscitated. If that experience was not enough to stop him from doing it again, what could my words do? Every day is a another horrible, sad and depressing revelation on top of sorrow. My sister, I think, is running on anger.

Dear Rowsella, please know that we all feel deeply for you. What a terrible struggle your brother had, but he is released from the imprisonment of addiction and is in the light now. We all send you, your sister, and your brother's family love and healing thoughts.

Dearest Rowsella, many can relate to so very much to all that you have shared here.

We all can feel your anquish from not only the physical loss in this world of a brother you loved dearly, never knew quite how to help though you kept trying as you knew how and the incredibly unfair loss of the person you loved and knew who he was or should be to the downfall of addiction and overdose.

We can all try to tell you he is not truly gone, that he lives in you and through you forever in your heart but you have far too much to deal with in the here and now of your loss and the reality of doing what you can do now for him through this maze of problems.

That can play out in many different ways as futures are changed by choices and places in time. And you have so many of each of those involved right now.

Perhaps others can offer helpful advice as we have so many with so many different gifts here, legal, social work backgrounds, life experiences and as well as intuitively being helpful.

I can tell you that for those I tried to help in extended family members lives, all our efforts were undone by the demons of multiple addictions and patterns of life choices and in the end there was even more addictionology, theft of trust and money among almost every single person who tried to help.

But we all learn as well as grow in the caring, the trying, the reaching out, and we never know the spiritual life path of others.

I have always loved that Bill Wilson, if I'm remembering the name correctly, the Founder of AA, (which became of course the precursor to all the other disease or addiction anonymous groups), once said that alcohol being known as "spirits" was symbolic of the alcoholics needing of true spiritually/religion...which by the way means to link back to source. Thus, his inspiration of his 12 steps program and basis of acceptance of a higher power greater than the demons.

All this input aside,  I am feeling you, connecting to your deep loss of a loved one, and sending you strength,  hope, peace and great, great love as you make your way through this journey. You have so much goodness in you, let your lovelight shine and surround you as you feel the caring of so many here.

Hugs hugs hugs ❣

Rowsella, I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending light, love, & strength to you & your family.

Rowsella, I feel how much you wanted to protect your precious little brother. I feel your power too, the queen of wands, you are - queen of great kundalini energy with her little brother who at one point bathed in that energy.  I hope in the coming days and weeks, you can feel him somewhere in your midst again.  There is no death, just transformation.  Now he will rest and rise and go back to his soul's home. And he will be with you too when you think of him.

There is a Buddhist ritual I learned after I lost my first husband.  I wasn't a Buddhist but I tried it and it had a powerful healing affect on me.

You get up at day break when the earth transforms from night to day, from yin to yang. It is a powerful and sacred time when spirits can come and meet you.  You are going to do this for 55 days. 

You have a place in the house, perhaps near a window, where you will meet him. You light a candle and have some things like fresh spring water, maybe a crystal or something simple and sacred.  

You meet him there and say three things to him:

1. Thank you. 

2. I'm okay.

3. You can go now. 

When you say each thing, let yourself feel it.  When I would say, "I'm okay," I'd sob, because I was not okay.  But it was good to vent my pain.  When I said, "Thank you," I remembered things that I was grateful for about knowing him. Then when I said, "you can go now, " I was wishing him well and to be free. And it freed me too.  I felt a huge weigh lifted off of me at the end of the 55 days.  I will forever be grateful for learning that ritual. 

You do this for 55 days. Then at the end of the 55 days, he gets to leave, and you both are lighter for the time together. It is therapeutic for you.  It enables him to rise and be free.

Bless you, Rowsella.  Sending love and surrounding you with care. 

Rowsella - I am so sorry to hear of all that you and your family, especially your brother, are going through. Drugs and mental illness are issues that surround many of us. I may help, when you feel up to it, to read a wonderful book called Unbroken Brain, by Maia Szalavitz. She was a drug addict in her youth and has since become a psychologist and researcher.  She uses her own experiences to illuminate recent scientific discoveries related to drug addiction. It's actually a very hopeful book, it may give you some insights into your nephew. 

In Buddhist tradition (which I loosely follow), there is the concept of The Bardo - it's a period of 45-55 days where the soul of a beloved departed is caught in a limbo between this world and their next life. In the Tibetan tradition, this is when family members read aloud from The Book of the Dead, in order to encourage the spirit to move on and to do so wisely and without fear.  What Jeanne is suggesting is very similar, I hope you will give it a try, and may you find peace in any case.

Thank you so much. I am going to try as Jeanne suggests. I am also going to try to read from that book as well. I realize that I could not alter his pattern once he made that choice. I could only tell him I loved him and he knew I did. I am not going to try to save or fix his children. I will offer love to them, advice and guidance but I don't have the resources for more than that. I am leaving today to Tennessee for his funeral (it is on Sunday). I am going to reserve my best help for my sister. She is going to administer his estate along with his daughter.

Rowsella,

I don't have much to add, except to say that I am sorry for your loss, and will be holding your brother, you, and your family in my thoughts over coming days.  

Laura, you may have just explained to me why that Buddhist ritual is 55 days long. Thank you!  I know about the Bardo state, but hadn't realized it was 45-55 days or that it was related to the ritual.  When I did it for my first husband, I didn't learn about the ritual until several years after he died.  I did it anyway, and it had a powerful effect. 

Rowsella, wishing you a good journey.

My son is doing wonders, thanks for keeping us in your thoughts. He is allowed to socialize, but i don't know if I made the right choice taking him to my friend's last night, because this morning they woke up with a fever, headaches, body aches, vomiting, and puking. I a, keeping an eye on him but it worries me, his healing has barely even started. Thank you all for listening to me for rambling, Laynara?

Laynara,

  It’s not rambling for a strong woman to seek understanding and support.  I’m praying for you, your son and your family.

Since my Mother passed on September 24 , I keep hearing her call me. When I was younger and she would correct me about something she would use my full first name she’d call out RobinMarie come here.  I’ve been hearing her voice calling RobinMarie then it jumps to this:

 when they see a strong woman, they think you do not need anything or anyone, that you can bear whatever happens. Because you are a strong woman.

When they see you as a strong woman, they just look for you to help them carry their burdens. They never think you have your own burdens.

A strong woman is not asked if she is tired, suffering or has fears and anxiety. The important thing is that she is always there: a lighthouse in the storm or a rock in the middle of the sea.

The strong woman is not forgiven anything. If she loses control, she is weak. If she loses her temper, she is hysterical.

when the strong woman disappears for a minute, it is immediately noticeable, but when she is there, her presence is usual.

But the strength that is needed every day to be that strong woman, does not matter.

Being a strong woman, is never easy, but she does it. She gathers that strength and pushes on.

Robyn, may the memory of your mother be an eternal blessing.  I love the words about a strong woman.  

Hi all,

Just wanting to reach out for a little support. We have had school difficulties with our two daughters (age 11 and 9.) Last year it was particularly rough for the 9 year old, but this year she is doing much better. However, our 11 year old is really struggling this year. She has some known anxiety and also some hearing issues (she just received hearing aids a few weeks ago to help minimize background noise, which is the main distractor), and has an accommodations plan with school for some adjustments to help. However, we are waiting on some additional testing to see if an attention disorder is also there. We are working with the school and her, but she is really struggling with hating homework and school in general. There are no bullying issues or anything. We could just really use some positive light regarding how to proceed with helping her (whether we look into alternative schooling vs traditional, or how best to help her adjust to the increased demands of 6th grade, etc.) Thanks in advance for any positive vibes or insight you can send our way. This has been stressful over a long period of time and frustrating for all of us. Thanks!

I had a very rough (as in lucky I survived) period at about that age myself. (Totally ashamed at what I put my mother through but that's 20/20 hindsight.) I was frustrated with school and hated it myself. With my own children I have sat down with them every night at the kitchen table and provided homework support. Sometimes I'd read, sometimes I'd be washing the dishes, but I was always no more than two steps away when they had a question. Speaking from my own experience, when my homework was done and understood I felt much better about school. You will need bottomless patience. Good luck and positive thoughts and light your way (and hers).

p.s. I got through it and went on to get a college degree and have a wonderful career. It will get better.

Sometimes, just asking your child what would help goes along way. There may be others things going on that you haven't thought of.  I loved driving my kids to their activities as they would really open up to me in the car.  We would have the best conversations. Does she like the school she is at?  Does she like the teachers and kids?  Is she embarrassed with the extra help she is receiving? She might learn differently than the other kids.  Does she have an interest or talent outside of school?  That might offer creative ways that can be tied into her homework to get her interest.  Kids are under so much pressure these days.  Especially at that age. Just feeling like she is heard will help her feel more secure.  Sending her and you some love.