[Closed] Support Wanted - Reach out here

Sorry for posting so much here guys, but for the last week my son and his sweet smile and laugh has made my heart flutter and brought my spirits up. He knows no stranger no matter where we go, he brightens up the room with his innocent love for people and nature. He has been making me think of all the things I'm grateful in life and how lucky I am to have him in it. It takes away all the negative for a while. I just wanted to say that ^^ love and peace to all of you amazing people.

I frequently read this missive stream from a computer that doesn't store my login information; the posts always touch my heart and lead to me reflect, pray, and share light.  They give me strength.  This has been one of the most challenging years of my life in terms of self-examination … don't know if the external chaos I've been so anxious about just took a rapid, rabid dive into self, festered, swelled, and turned kaleidoscope or what, but I feel like different parts of myself have been fighting each other really hard, and it hasn't been pretty.  I stand outside of it, and there's this deformed ego mentally projecting vile stuff hither and yon. I reign it in; regroup.  Then, there's this horrifying insecurity wobbling around and bouncing off the insides, like a dryer full of old shoes.  I reflect a lot about the fear and wisdom people share here.  Bluebelle's words about not surrendering to despair led me to thinking a lot about surrendering … not to despair but at some point … in despair to something so much greater than myself that sometimes seems so real and dear and comforting.  I think these inner characters are ready to surrender.  I know I can't package them up … they're just lying there in a bloody mess.  Maybe it's just that I needed to see them and how they're not working and that the only way out is to just toss them over to that something so real and dear and comforting that can do a much better job than I can and then just trust It.   I've had to do that this surrender thing big time twice before--as a young adult and as a mom, and it worked.  Just seems like time to do it again.  Cheers to It … and hoping like mad this all rolls out okay again … hear that third time's a charm.  Best to all.

Thinking of you, Gracesinger, my friend.  I spent some time yesterday reading quotes from Anne Lamott and reading your post reminded me of this:   https://www.ted.com/talks/anne_lamott_12_truths_i_learned_from_life_and_writing/transcript?language=en#t-943024

It’s been a tough year.  Set yourself free and be at peace again.

My favorite line from Anne Lamott's talk: "Laughter really is carbonated holiness." Thank you BlueBelle.

Thank you, BlueBelle.  I had forgotten how relatable I found Anne Lamott and truly need to dig her out again.  I often recognize the language of 12-step two-steppers on this site.  It's how I learned to walk and talk, when I was about 23 and bottomed out. I have become pretty indignant about the fact that the Far Right gets to claim God, when Anne Lamott's profane, on your knees and elbows in the middle of all of your crap, declarations seem to totally encapsulate my experience: "God just means goodness. It's really not all that scary. It means the divine or a loving, animating intelligence, or, as we learned from the great "Deteriorata," "the cosmic muffin." A good name for God is: "Not me." Emerson said that the happiest person on Earth is the one who learns from nature the lessons of worship. So go outside a lot and look up. My pastor said you can trap bees on the bottom of mason jars without lids because they don't look up, so they just walk around bitterly bumping into the glass walls. Go outside. Look up. Secret of life. "  Sometimes when I close my eyes, I sense images ... last night a loving green essence of light just comforted me and then this image of a pair of scissors came to mind and snipped.  I had been in the middle of spinning out again and fretting about a difficult person in my life.  I get so OCD about things/people ... I turn them over and then pull them back again to look at again and again.  Since I've been delivered of a pair of shears, I've been monitoring my self-think and every time I return to the stuff I threw over, I've been snipping.  Snip, snip, snip.  That's why I love gardening … I just go into hyperfocus and zone out in the garden.  It's the best way to truly let go and Let God do His, Her, Its major thing.  Thank you!

Lately all I have been able to think about is my future, and honestly it frightens me not knowing what's going to come of me. Im definitely good at worrying. I'd love to follow my all time dream of becoming a Veterinarian, but I'm having doubt from everything going on in the world right now. So right now I'm a young, stay at home mom with an over active mind and imagination. ?

This is kind of long. I'm 74, and I lost my husband nearly four years ago. I have brothers 85, 86, and a sister 87. She has dementia. I didn't get to know her until her husband retired from the army. He was born in 1929. He joined the merchant marines first, but since he was under age, his mom got him out of it. He then joined the army. He served in occupied Japan, Korea, Johnson Island , and three tours in Vietnam. He got a Bronze Star in 1969. Anyway, for the past two years, I've spent 7-8 hours a day with her, making sure she ate, etc. Recently though, her daughters took her to Tulsa to stay with them until they find a nursing home. I'm suppose to clean up. So I was going through one of her many scrap books to see what I could throw away, and I came across an unsigned valentine card that made me teary. I was like my husband talking to me. Hi, sweetheart. It's just a little Valentine, but loving as can be. Because your name is on it, and because it comes from me! 

This is so dear, Elaine and I understand why this meant so much.

Not, only were you loved and thought of, but you can still feel this connection. I call them connected by heartstrings. They connect each of us to each person we ever loved from one heart many energetic streamers flow out and connect to all those we love..living or passed.

In my belief system, you are still connected. Your heart is open by so much loss and because your siblings are older than you are, by the thought of more loss ahead.

I cared for my mom with beginning to advanced Alzheimer's, in my childhood home on Douglas Island, Alaska on and off for 8 years, flying back and forth many times a year and staying from 1 to 4 months at a time.

I know how challenging that is, and the feelings that follow afterwards when we no longer have them in our lives. I can only imagine the loss of a husband.

My thoughts are with you as you remember so very much and process all of these life transitions, regrets, losses...whatever all these emotions i can feel in your heart now.

 I am here for you, as are all of the other kindred spirits here. You are a treasure and will be remembered and treasured..as I hope I will be when we someday understand all that has happened and why.

My father helped me care for my mom...no social services available..until he went into his own vascular dementia. We had long talks about life and death and his feelings of losing my mom long before she passed. He left first and I stayed with my mom in her bed that night on. I felt my dad leaving on the 4th night. At the exact time, my mom grabbed my hand in the bed and and said to me...your father is leaving. She felt it, too.

I said "yes, he is and its ok. He was very old and sick and as sad as it made him to leave you, he loved you so much and you will always feel him, near."

"Then it will all be ok she said" and she went right to sleep. I held her hand all night talking to her and to my dad.

Then, by morning she was back to her advanced Alzheimer's stage, barely talking, but with such a sense of peace. She was happy and content until she passed..cared for by all of us, in our childhood on our little island in Alaska, 4 years later.

No matter how sad it all is, how much we miss them and wish it was different. Its still all o.k.

There are wonderful little signs, special things like you Valentine, found often in the most unusual ways or places. They remind us of those dearest and often simplest of things that mean so very much. A reminder to you from him. You were and are loved.

And you are still loved. Never ever forget that. And we are all with you now. With you with compassion, understanding, and love.

Thank you so much. Your reply was so sweet. I got the Bronze Star on the wrong date though. It was 1967.

Hi Elaine,

What a nice message to get, maybe just to say that he loves you, but also to remind you that our loved ones are still with us. I cared for my dying mother. It was both a challenge and a privilege. Every once in a while I get a message that I connect to her. I've even gotten messages from beloved pets that I've lost. It makes me feel joyful that I might see them again. Love and blessings to you during this difficult time, as your siblings begin their journeys to their next stage of life. You've been a good sister to care for them. This is what's life's about.

My boyfriend quit his job today, hr was being mistreated at work and couldn't take it anymore. I hope he finds a new job because we won't make it without it. Keep my family in your thoughts please. Sending love and positive vibes!

I think something that doesn't get enough attention is the epidemic of workplace violence, but physical and psychological.  So many of us either work or have worked in toxic environments with abusive supervisors/bosses.  The mistreatment ruins lives.  I've experienced it myself in the past, and it's absolutely everywhere.  I hope as our collective consciousness is raised, this phenomenon becomes extinct.

It takes courage to leave a job without the security of a new one, but sometimes it's necessary.  Good for your boyfriend that he put an end to mistreatment.  I'll send good thoughts and energy that he finds a good job soon, in a positive and supportive environment.  Take care Laynara. xoxo

It is so true LynnV. And as scary as it is to lose a job or an income, it is so great that he still has the skills to know how to look for another job and to have learned when treatment is wrong and it is better to find another job than be put down or hurt in any way by others.  Believe he can do it Layanara and remind him in all ways that you are proud of him for his courage and strength and then believe in him, in yourself that your family can and will get through this challenge.

I've been been thinking allot about our future. I hope me and my family and all of us get to see it and not allot of people die... my depression has gotten worse lately thinking about all of this. The thought of not seeing the world get 12ou 12ou the darkness breaks my heart and scares me. I'm sorry for always posting, I just feel safe talking to y'all about all of this.

It's been a bad week.  I've been feeling off balance too. The energy just feels dark lately.  So don't feel like it's only you Laynara.  I'm still sending you love and light. I hope you're feeling better soon.  We'll all get through this. 

Im slowly getting there! Im fighting!its hard sometimes but worth it.

Laynara,  I think many of us have those fears about the future of our world,  too.  You’re not alone in that.  However, if you feel that you’re suffering from depression, there are many sources of medical help out there-from your family doctor to mental health experts.  Life can seem pretty overwhelming sometimes and we all need love and support.  You are a sweet soul and I’m proud of you for reaching out to this community.  Sending you love.

Fear is the enemy of the light and tries to bring more fear to us so that it can grow. If you feel fear and it is too much to handle the best thing to do is something that distracts you from it.  Maybe do some journaling.  Some people swear that writing in a gratitude journal every morning as soon as possible after waking up helps the rest of the day go better.  List everything you are grateful for and spirit often sees how you appreciate the good sent your way and sends you more good things to feel grateful about.  Some people say that if you find 10 new things everyday to feel grateful for, more good things will come into your life and multiply...  Watch a feel good movie, something you love.  Read fantasy novels if you like them from the library or find new music to listen to that makes you feel good.

Sending  you love, Laynara and Bluebelle, Starpath, Lynnventura, Michele, and Elaine.  Holding hands here in a circle of strength and healing for Laynara and all of you.  

Laynara, I want to help you get out of your head. If you think, think, think, your mind goes to the negative, and it spirals out of control into worry and fear. It's just noise in your head. Like junk food.   If you don't meditate, Try this when you lie down to sleep:   https://www.doyogawithme.com/content/yoga-nidra-sleep or for beginners, try this  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtsdz_jhB7c

If you already do this then forget my suggestion and just keep writing to us.  We love you and you make everyone here happy because your heart is so good.   :-)

Laynara, you love big. You fear for all those whom you love. My friend, do not be afraid. Yes, You are O.K. Your loved ones are O.K. The connections you have now never leave you. They remain, always, even after death. The separation is illusion. Big changes in our world are here and their looming presence is alarming. We all feel it. But, maybe these changes are supposed to happen. Have faith my friend. Your love remains now and forever. You have been through this before. Just breathe deeply. Kiss them and know...breathe...