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Posted by: @jewels

Your average American ... is not a judge. His emotions are never plumbed. He simply feels it to the middle depths. A man has to come back from hell to understand."
We haven't known battlefields, but we have been to hell. If we hang on, we will share their overwhelming joy soon. And it will be profound. I can hardly wait.

@jewels, I felt the chills when I read this, as if I could hear your grandfather speaking those words across time. His diary is like a special, precious portal through which you can step into the lives of the brave men and women of WWI.

@laura-f

I am happy to hear you are getting some respite. Depression is a hard road.

@laura-f

I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through. You know I get very depressed, too. This week my therapist is taking a vacation. I can’t blame her. 25-35 stressed people a week, and she gives us a full hour, sometimes longer. 
I saw a movie tonight called Peppermint. All the revenge feelings I’ve had sure got fulfilled in a way in that movie. I realize all the bad going on with remorse and punishment has been grueling. Watching the bad guys and women keep getting away with cruelty, gaslighting, destroying our country, our families, our health, our land, water, and air is enraging. I think one of the most despicable things I recall is when those two Russians named Serjei Lavrov went to the White House and ran over trump. When he led 45 into the Oval Office it enraged me. 45 being the puppy dog and the Russian taking over. 
so many emotions the past 3 years while Obama was criticized for wearing a tan suit!

i wait for them all to get what’s coming to them, and yet I know I still will have my times of depression and anxiety. Frustrating, I know, but you certainly made yourself a beautiful comfort food dinner. It’s that doing the little things for ourselves often that keep us going. And if cannabis helps you, that’s terrific. 
im hoping Covid 19 is another nail in 45’s political coffin. When Texas is a toss up state, he can’t be feeling very good. We can take refuge in that for now....

I hope you feel increasingly better.

anita

I am feeling slightly better this evening - I can feel the healing coming from the group - THANK YOU.

I've had a few moments to reflect, and also talked to a sister in law who struggles with very, very severe depression. Talking to her about her day to day struggle gave me some insight into my own, and I' m sharing it with you all.

I realized that I've been mostly at home since about March 10 (a week before lockdown), and now with no real end in sight, and what I'm struggling with is the knowledge that I have nothing to look forward to. Not in the sense that my life is ending (although with CV19 who knows), but I acknowledge that I am a human who likes to live just a little bit in the future.

In the before times, I had stuff to look forward to: rehearsals (band, choir, dance), performances (same), travel, visiting loved ones far away, weddings, parties, theater tickets, concerts, day trips, moving, classes, resistance activities.

These are all things that required different levels of planning and that I enjoyed doing. I also acknowledge there is a fair amount of privilege built into all this, even so it is the knowing that I can get through stresses because I know something I enjoy will come along soon that keeps my spirits up. And that has now evaporated.

Because of my pessimism re: vaccine development, I just see an endless stretch of having to stay home. I honestly don't see how I can do group activities or go anywhere for the next 4 or 5 years, and by that time who knows what my physical health will be.

And yes, I've been doing all the things I can - Zoom based classes for  modern dance and French, but it's just starting to bore me. When all this started, I made a list of my closest friends in a notebook, and I vowed that I'd call them all regularly, which I have done. I even kept track by jotting down dates, so I'd be sure not to forget anyone. Now my friends are rarely picking up. I leave a voicemail and no one returns my calls. So I wait a week or two and leave another voicemail. And no one is calling me. I know everyone is OK because I see some social media posts. I also know who is depressive and who's not, so I know who is more psychologically able to keep in touch.

So that's why I'm struggling. And saying that I have the eventual end to the pandemic to look forward to is not gonna cut it, sorry.

@laura-f, I’m glad that you felt the healing energy coming your way and are feeling somewhat better.  I can relate and am right there with you.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, I often feel despondent, especially because of my senior status.  Will I survive this pandemic?  If this virus doesn’t take me out, considering my age and health issues, something else might.   Before Covid hit, I was already feeling limited in what I was able to do.   I struggle daily with my energy and pain levels, and what I can reasonably manage without crashing.  It’s been hard to plan, and even harder to be spontaneous.  And that’s hard on friendships.  I’ve lost some friends … over time, as my health seemed to take a nosedive, I’d hear from them less and less.  If I don’t reach out, I hear little from them.  And now, with Covid, my social exchanges have become even smaller. 

I do believe the restrictions I’ve been living with, pre-Covid, have helped me cope with our new reality.  At the same time, I don’t need or want any more restrictions! The past few years I’ve been working with a doctor who believes the path I’m on is leading to greater wellness.  He believes I will be feeling better over time – more energy, less crazy symptoms, less pain.  If that’s true (my internal jury is still out on that), wouldn’t that be a cruel irony?   That I would feel significantly better, only to have my wings clipped because of Covid?  I want to fly!  Bummer.

I'm trying to reach out as much as I can, but sometimes it's hard to move -- too much dead weight.  I’ve been participating in the weekly Circle of Light meditations since they began months ago.  When Jeanne is leading us in meditation, Spirit often speaks through her and says “we’ve got this.”  To be honest, since this pandemic began sometimes that snarky voice in my head responds “We’ve got this?  Yeah, right!  You’re doing a GREAT job” … followed by an eyeroll.  When we do the meditation there are times when my heart isn’t in it or I struggle, but I choose to believe that if I show up, my act of faith must count for something. 

Last night’s meditation was different; it was the first time I felt totally safe – like whatever happens in my life, I’m okay.  I was joyful, of all things.  I felt a channel of white light residing within and surging through my body.  I think … I hope … I’m letting go.  Letting go of control.  As I accept my losses, work through my grief and face an unknown future, I am, little by little, hopefully accepting what is.  Trusting that things are as they should be.  And that includes accepting Spirit’s “we’ve got this” -- without the eyeroll!

I hear you, Laura.  All we can do is take it a day at a time.  (I know ... doncha just love hearing that?)  We are here for you, dear friend.  And we love you.  

@deetoo

You do have this and we will help you feel and know that every step of the way with each new day. 

Time to dismiss that internal jury. Their radar is off kilter and you don't need anyone judging you any more or ever again woman?

@michele-b, thank you, my friend!   My internal jury is actually discernment -- whether this protocol I'm on with my doctor will work.  I'm always hopeful, but based on my past experiences with treatments and often feeling disappointed, I need more time to properly evaluate it.  I no longer take these promises made by doctors at face value.  I know you've had your share of health challenges, so you understand.  

@deetoo

I'm still under 60, and while there were many women in my family who lived to be near 100, there were also  many who died by age 72 or so, and I have many of the genetic health issues that the latter group had, so I'm not too optimistic of my chances. Interestingly, both of my parents are alive, both over 80, with a fair amount of health issues that are more typical and that I do not have (osteoporosis, heart disease, diabetes), but neither of them has my severe autoimmune issues and neither has had any cancer "scares" whereas I have had multiple already. I've long thought my [narcissistic] mother would outlive me, time will tell. My dad is a man of great christian faith (the good kind, not the wackadoo version), so he's prepared to go whenever he's called, we talk constantly and we've said all we had to say, so while I'll be sad when he's gone, and I'll miss him very much, it's not like he'd be getting plucked out of life unexpectedly.

So I'm right there with you, in fact a lot of what I've stopped doing (dyeing my hair, not having dessert) falls under the life-is-short-what-if-I-get-COVID-tomorrow category.

In the spirit of one day at a time, I woke up this morning with a plan: to make a plan for today. However short, or banal, just a plan. I decided I needed to sit on the ground (which I can't actually do in our backyard). I decided I need to stretch my legs and get some fresh air away from my house.

I enlisted the hubby - no Zoom calls today, so he was amenable. I packed a light lunch (sandwiches, potato chips, chocolate chip cookies and iced tea), and I packed treats and water for my two little dogs. I decided the safest place to walk around here is in an area called Liberty Station. It's an old Navy training base from before WWII. They've done a great job converting the entire thing to public space - playgrounds, theaters, museums, galleries, restaurants, picnic/bbq areas, walking paths, lovely gardens, etc. It's always very packed on weekends but during the week not so much. What I love about it is that there are vast, grassy fields where you can walk or play, and you can see where everyone else is, so plenty of social distance and bright sunlight. Plus today is dry and breezy. You don't have to have your face mask up the whole time because everyone is so spaced apart (we put ours up if we pass near anyone else, of course).

We walked "the girls" all around these big fields and then we settled into a courtyard area near one of the sculpture and rose gardens. The courtyards all have a very European feel - some even have benches and little tables with umbrellas you can sit it, others have reclined chairs. Porticos all around too, and dirt paths lined with trees. I put down our blanket, tied the girls to a sign and gave them treats and water, we purelled our hands and sat down to a very pleasant lunch with people well away from us (and the majority were wearing masks for a change).

It was just what I needed. So feeling very much better as a result. Thanks again for sending energy- clearly it's working, you have my deepest gratitude. Your reward is a pic of my girls at our little picnic today.

Namasté

❤️ ❤️ ❤️ 

@deetoo

True discernment is a major spiritual gift in my book! You have been blessed with many.

And you are doing a great job of moving the sludge to let so much goodness in you shine forth unencumbered.

I asked the library angels to direct me the definition of discernment as I view it.

@laura-f, that sounds like a lovely outing.  I wish I could have joined you.  "The Girls" are cutie pies!  How long have they been members of your family?  Do they get into mischief together?

It's that time of the month again. On Monday I have an Avastin infusion and will be intent on visioning vital cosmic energy flowing into my body. If anyone wants to remotely join me for this ongoing experiment, the infusion will take pace anywhere from 3:45 to 5:00 pm EST; if you can also envision cosmic healing energy pouring into my body, that would be great.

In general, I'm vacillating between feeling energized and feeling discouraged. What's tough now is that it's summer. Since summer is when people are most physically active, I'm constantly being reminded of the physical capacities I no longer have, especially since I live in a coastal town just north of Cape Cod (lots of people on bikes or with kayaks on their cars). When I fixate on my current isolation too, my mind starts wandering down a mental path of considering all of the worst case scenarios that could be in store for my body; I don't have any circle of close friends with whom to share my thoughts, especially not where I'm living, so I'm not unburdening myself as much as I should. I'm usually alone at work too, and that arrangement has only grown more frequent since COVID-19. My position with AmeriCorps ends in 3 weeks and I'm still searching for a new job. No matter what happens, though, this period of limbo will end soon, and at this point I'm looking forward to whatever comes next.  

Hi @coyote

I've been meaning to post a technique that I feel could be beneficial to you in your healing journey (and also to anyone else looking to achieve some sort of transformation in their life). 

I call this Quantum Energy Shifting (or Manifestation)

The technique entails you changing your current energy state into a new energy state that encompasses your goal.  I call it quantum because I believe it uses your own intent and consciousness to achieve a quantum entanglement between your current energy state and your goal state, thus bringing the goal into reality.

Before starting, picture the goal in your mind.  In this case you would picture yourself in a state of optimum physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health.  Imagine being this person and really get a feeling for how it would be: See it, feel it, taste it, smell it, hear it, BE it.

Next "Go to Glow."  Fill your body up with energy until you start to feel yourself tingling all over.  A good way to do this is through holotropic or shamanic breathing.  This is essentially a steady, rapid, deep breathing technique almost like a controlled hyperventilation.  For this exercise there is no need to do the whole 30 minutes, you can stop once you start to feel the tingling in your body: 5-10 minutes should be good.

After you have reached this state, bring back the image of your goal.  Feel the energy flooding through you (tingling). Picture it as billions of particles of light emanating out from your heart.  This energy IS YOU. Then, see your goal image also as being composed of billions of particles of light. 

Now, MERGE the two sets of energy into one.  See each of your particles fuse with its corresponding goal particle. BECOME the goal.  Jump into it, pull it into you.  See it, feel it, taste it, smell it, hear it, BE it.  Do this until you KNOW that you are the now the goal. 

Bask in this buzz of enhanced energy for as long as you like.  You may even drift off to sleep, which is fine.

This technique is powerful at anytime but even more so during the New Moon (new beginnings), eclipses, meteor showers and comets (transformation).  However, the breathing technique should be used sparingly at the beginning with plenty of days in between to rest.  Your body will need time to recover from and adapt to holding so much energy all at once.

❤️

@frank The breathing technique you mentioned is a method used widely in the 1970's called rebirthing breath work or just breath work. The founder claimed it released childhood traumas.  I did it three different times in my early thirties when I was strong and healthy, with positive results. I still remember clearly the details of my experience, which speaks to the power of it.  But I'd would not advise it for anyone with compromised health, or someone who is elderly, and not without the advice and supervision of a qualified practitioner. 

Each time I did it, it was painful to keep the breathing going and when I finally did stop, powerful emotions surged up from the deep, which was good. They had been repressed and now surged up. Each time, I was glad I did the technique. But I was supported by Kripalu practitioners, not alone.

I think the technique creates an oxygen imbalance in the brain from what is essentially hyperventilating. I would not advise it for anyone in poor health or elderly and without supervision. 

@coyote I will be visualizing for you tomorrow. We will also be meeting again Wednesday night and sending healing energy then.  

@coyote and anyone else, another healing technique is giving oneself a really cold shower. It is supposed to be immune boosting and from the way I feel when I can get myself to do it, I believe it works.  You can also start with a regular shower then at the end you turn it to super cold and stay there as long as you can tolerate it.  Very invigorating.  

@coyote Count on it - will visualize cosmic energy coming through your crown chakra or the bai hui point in qiqong tomorrow afternoon. 

@coyote. I will be lifting you up for healing tomorrow.  Thank you so much for sharing with us this part of your life journey.  You are dear to all of us and I am sending you much love, dear friend.  

I will chip in energetically, too, @coyote !

I do agree with Jeanne - be careful with hyperventilation, and if you decide to try Frank's method, make sure someone is nearby in case you pass out.

I have done a similar energy visualization in the past, but without the breathing component, so consider trying it minus that one component if you feel safer that way. (No offense @Frank! I think your method is great, but may need some minor modifications to accommodate our dear Coyote!)

Good luck tomorrow Coyote! We're all with you!

@frank & deetoo & Coyote ~

Another wonderful and grounding breathing technique(to try in your 'Quantum Leap' meditation experience ;) is to focus on the Solar Plexus, and to breath in deeply through the nose, exhale through the mouth, seven times while consciously pushing the tummy area (SP) out on the exhale... (Prana, the Breath of God)... releasing, clearing, empowering, healing ...

This New Moon coming up tomorrow will be opposing exactly Saturn Retro, with Jupiter R & Pluto R more widely .... letting go of old karmic residue, and allowing Spirit to fill us with light and ...a more comfortable balance. It will be good after all the heaviness and changes, and perhaps heartbreak and frustration that these last months, with the rapid eclipses in the Cancer/Capricorn axis,  have brought to us all.

I was in a solitary dark place recently, very heartbroken, and got this mantra from Spirit today... it really resonates with this Cancerian New Moon...and maybe with some of you as well as we navigate releasing those shadows... ?

'' I am a precious child of Spirit. I am supported in sacred light, I am cherished, protected and nurtured by Spirit and angels of light who will never abandon me.

I am ready to receive the blessings of abundance and love. I am ready to let go of the control and the pain and the suffering from this and many lifetimes before. I am ready to release all to Spirit. To surrender to the Divine and to honor the sacred in all...

I am ready for true joy within."

Wishing swift healing and grace and love to everyone ... be kind to yourself, and let me know if the mantra works for you? ??

@coyote

Sending love and support to you, my friend. I'll be thinking of you this afternoon.