If you need support, understanding, and love, let us know here.

@lovendures

I read your post about going through turmoil a few days ago and this is my first opportunity to respond. (Up to eyeballs in grandchildren who talk non-stop from moment of awaking until they fall asleep at night. This is not an exaggeration.)

Your heartbreak sounds so painful and I am sending you love and healing even as I write.  Our lives contrast times of heartache and suffering with times of peace and serenity.  Frankly, sometimes it just feels like too much for a person to bear and yet you do.  Then there is love in the midst of it all, love from friends and family, sometimes love from complete strangers.  In the depths of despair, you will find a helping hand, a kind word and understanding.  Cling to that.  It's the love of the collective and the love from our higher powers reaching out to you.   

You bring so much to this forum and many people care for you here.  May you feel the warmth of our love and compassion as you move forward through this experience.  May you find peace again.

Much love,

Bluebelle

@BlueBelle

Thank you for your words and such kindness.  It is a gift and very appreciated.

Something tells me your grandchildren are truly enjoying life right now.  

@lovendures

It's because we love you and we know its so given back in return ?

And no matter how busy we are, or how challenging our own lives can be, we know just how it feels to both give and receive love in return ? 

@bluebelle

Love your words and stories but today I loved laughing with pure understanding and empathy. Love to you from a busy gramma day! ?

@michele-b-here-in-the-forum

Thank you Michele.  I am navigating this stormy sea to the best of my ability with a mindful effort to connect to a compass of love.  Love I am reaching inward for, love I am feeling from our community here and love I want to send outward to those I believe are in need.  When I find myself lost, I get quiet and try to center myself back to that compass needle to once again let love gently guide my thoughts and actions.  

Two days ago, a woman who I love like a mother passed away. 

I was told via text, in the middle of work, on my very first day.

Her sister passed 6 months ago and she wasn't ok. 2 weeks ago, my family went to her sisters celebration of life and I knew that was the last time I'd see my linda. 

Heart attack....but I know it was actually just a broken heart. Some bonds cannot be broken and she was ready to be with her sister again. 

Linda was our family. My children loved her, my husband and nearly half the town we live in. Her heart was pure. She was that soft space you look for when you need to rest. 

I knew she would go soon. I felt it. I always do. Angry that I can sense these things but no matter how hard I try, I can't sense her..or find her in my dreams or feel her next to me. I'd like to know she's ok now. I'd like to tell her I'll take care of everything. Id like to tell her one more time how much I love her. 

Linda was the first person I have lost that I loved....the real kind. The kind that makes me feel bad for being this sad...because I should be happy that she's back with her person. Love is wanting that person to feel happiness and peace. 

Its hurts so deeply.  I hope she visits me in my dreams one day...

@Perriwinkle10,

I am so sorry for the loss of your loved one.  It is a true loss and yes, you are grieving that loss.  It is real and it cuts deeply.  You do not need to feel guilty for feeling this way.  You can take comfort in the fact that she is back with someone she loves deeply and still feel broken at her passing.  One does not need to feel one emotion or the other.  

You will likely feel this loss for a long time.  That is alright too.  My father visited my daughter a few times shortly after he passed way, he has rarely visited me.  She might communicate with your children, it might be easier for her to do that.  She might come without you realizing it , just a calming feeling when you wake up .  I believe that even if we can't exactly sense them they are with us when we bring them into our lives by thinking of them, by loving them. 

We can't feel deep grief if we don't feel deep love.  It is a hazard of loving someone with our whole being, our whole heart.  I would rather love deeply than love lightly, but it sure does hurt when they leave us.  

@perriwinkle10

I am so sorry for your loss. We are lucky to have the kindness of your presence among us. I hope one day Linda will be back among us and we finaly get to meet her.

@perriwinkle10

I hope Linda visits you in your dreams, too, and that you can feel the connection to her again.  My sense is that you will feel her presence another ways, too.  She's not lost to you forever or even at all.  How very fortunate you have been to have someone this wonderful in your life.  All of us feel the sting of grief and loss, the pain of losing a loved one.  This makes us treasure the moments we have with our loved ones all the more.  Treat each day with reverence.  Treat each person with reverence.  We are connected in a miraculous way to the people who make up our individual tribes.  Our tribes endure beyond the physical passing and so on and so on until we all eventually live in spirit, in our truest essence.  May you feel Linda's spirit and her love throughout your life.  You are a blessing to us here Perriwinkle10 and I know you touch many lives in your home community.  Your friends and family are there for you, too.  You are not alone.

Much love to you, Perriwinkle10.  I am so sorry for you loss.  May you find peace again.

@perriwinkle10

I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through. It’s such hell. I wish I had better words to help you heal.

Anita

@perriwinkle10

I’m so sorry for your pain at losing someone so precious to you.  I don’t know why some people see their departed loved ones and some don’t. I feel that we work to help others in ways we don’t even know about, and that perhaps you were helping her pass over and all you can remember is that you knew she would pass.  Every sad feeling of grief you have about her also feels more like an expression of love that she receives.

You have such a healing heart.  We all feel it.  

Hi. I'm in a very dark place right now with no way out and no one to help. My dad is dying and my moms been abusing me emotionally and psychologically for 4 years ever since dad got diagnosed with cancer. Since then I've been trying desperately to find a job since graduating art college in 2017. I have had no luck and have been applying to studio jobs wigh no luck. constantly feeling depressed because no one wants to hire me. I feel like a failure. I have these great skills that I am meant to use to help people but if I can't get a job how am I going to help anyone? How am I going to fulfill my purpose if I can't use my gift?

I've been told by all my friends and family and complete strangers that my career was going to start very soon. I even asked for a sign and 2 hawks showed up outside my window. Even a family friend of ours who is psychic said the same thing and I'd end up doing great things for people and the entertainment Industry but "soon" never seems to happen and I'm stuck in this perpetual hell. I've been desperately seeking a single answer as to when this "soon" will be. But I can't get anything not even a month. It's been making me crazy.

I Don't know what to do

@perriwinkle10, I am so sorry for your loss.   I wish I could take away your pain.  Linda knows how much you love her. 

Linda was a beautiful, shining light in many people's lives.  And you are a beautiful, shining light to this community.   Please take whatever time you need to grieve, and remember how much we care about you.  May our love surround you and give you comfort and strength in the days ahead.

@ratbum I am so sorry for the sadness, frustration, and pain you are going through. I am not sure what type of artist you are ( fine or performing) but my advice to you is use your art to process your feelings & allow your artistic voice to give you hope. I too am an artist and 23 years out of grad school. I have been employed one way or another the entire time. However, most of my opportunities came when I created first ( with what and whom I could - whatever resources at hand). I have been self employed & employed by others- just trust your art & look for ways to SHARE it- If no one is hiring now- consider hiring yourself. Then you can be flexible with your time & needs of your family & create what you feel needs to be addressed in the world. Wishing you luck & love & strength❤️

@ratbum -  I second everything Shawn said, and this gives some of the context from your post on the Dreams thread, so I'll head back over there in a minute to edit my reply.

Meanwhile - in addition to what Shawn said, I advise getting away from anyone abusive or toxic asap, especially if it's your mother.  It may mean taking a job for a time that you don't love, or living somewhere you don't love, but please consider strongly getting out. You'll have to help yourself on this one, since no one else can or will.  I'm so not saying to give up on your art, not at all, I'm saying that sometimes we have to prioritize our own mental health.And while you think this has been going on for the last 4 years, chances are excellent that it's been going on your whole life but more subtly so you didn't notice.Those of us traumatized by abusive parents grow up thinking how we grew up is normal.

Don't give up, keep trying at the art, but at the same time make a plan to get out from under the toxicity, whatever it takes.  The biggest regret I have in life is that I neglected to get as far away and as fast as I could from my own psycho-emotionally abusive mother. I didn't get away from her til I was 50 years old. A half century of pointless suffering in which my own artistic endeavors got squashed by trauma and I did not even get a chance to realize any of my dreams as a result. Last point: trauma like this absolutely changes the brain, it literally will affect your thinking and cognition for the rest of your life.

GET OUT.

Then start putting your pieces back together, unpack them from your emotional baggage and get on with life.

"Illegitimi non carborundum"

@ratbum

I will second and third what others have said.  Create your art for yourself right now.  Get a job doing something else temporarily.  Think of it like the actress who has a job as a server or the actor who also works at a department store while they go on auditions.  With just a bachelors degree you could be a substitute art teacher in a school or perhaps even a full time art teacher even.  There is a need for your skills in schools everywhere and you could teacher until your can completely follow your dreams.  Create something about/for your father.  it might help you deal with your emotions right now too.  Some musical composers best pieces are composed when they are dealing with very emotional issues.  The same goes for many different fine arts artists.  

@ratbum

You are going to be okay.  I’ve been thinking about you and the word crucible came to me.  You, your mother and father are all in this crucible together, suffering each in your own way.  If you stop and think about it, each of you is worried: about death and dying, about loss, about dreams unfulfilled, about life not turning out the way you want.  Each of you is scared of the present and uncertain future.  Each of you is most likely angry.  You’re angry that your career isn’t moving forward as quickly as you hope.  I imagine your father is angry about dying too soon and that your mother is angry about losing him.  So here you all are suffering during this series of events and feel stuck.  (Besides the word crucible, I also saw the upside down hanged man from the Thoth tarot and saw you feeling stuck.). This sad, hurtful time will not last forever.  When you come out of it, each one of you in your family will be a changed person.  Many years from now, you will look back at this time in your life and see things from a different perspective, having compassion for your younger self, for your father, for your mother.  

You have gifts.  You can step outside yourself and look at yourself, your father and your mother in a new way.  You will never regret being compassionate and loving in spite of the real struggles of life.  I realize I’m totally not addressing your career worries, but that’s because I see that working out just fine in the right time.  I’m so sorry for what you’re going through and am sending you love.  

@bluebelle

Sometimes I feel like everyone and the entire universe hates me. I feel like sometimes I would be better off dead because sometimes the hurt from all the struggling and going nowhere and the hopelessness is so bad I can't take it. And dont know what else to do.

Thanks for letting me talk guys.

@ratbum

If you think you would be better off dead, this is a clear indication that you should seek professional help for yourself.  Truly, you can get through these feelings of despair and sadness and feel better again.  There are resources you can call for help.  Counseling really helps and I know this from personal experience.  Dear heart, you are loved and your life is precious.  

@ratbum

Please hold on to hope, and know that the pain you are experiencing will pass, just as all things must. Think of it like being in the midst of winter, with no sign of spring, yet we know that spring will arrive in its time. It is terribly difficult to endure when the need for a change is intense and immediate and we feel confused about just what we need to do to help those things happen and it seems like we're alone and the world is not responding to our need. I've been in that place several times in my life, once was so long and terribly dark and painful that I made a suicide attempt. I was very young, and had no faith that things would improve. I am beyond grateful that I failed, because life has taken me on a journey that I wasn't capable of imagining at that time, and even with ups and downs, it has been so, so much better than I would ever have thought. These difficult, intense feelings and circumstances are like powerful storms washing over us, and all of them will move out and dissipate. Just please hang in there, and get whatever support you can find to help you stay strong and weather the storm! Sorry for the mixed metaphors here, and sending you love and strength. ❤️ 

@ratbum

I have no advice for you except to hope you live in a large city that would support your skills. I'm wishing all best and hope for the future.